It's happened: We've blown another summer. America's future leaders are piling back to their schools, and we're honoring them with how-to's, survival guides and personal stories of failure from Observer staff. That's right, It's College Week. Read more in our college-themed section.
First week of college, ladies. You're going to do some dumb shit over the next four years. And, that's OK. The best way to learn how to not do dumb shit is -- you guessed it.
But we're here to help guide the transition from Daddy's Girl to self-possessed woman of the world. We love sex, and we want you to have as much of it as makes you feel good about yourself. When it comes to new sexual relationships, we've all gotten ourselves into situations with guys that didn't feel so nice ... but we couldn't quite put our fingers on why. So we've penned this glossary of commonly used (heteronormative) phrases to clear up any confusion.
We're not man-haters here. You'll meet really great guys in college. And, you'll meet some ... who haven't quite evolved. The most important rule of thumb is this: If you kind-of-sort-of feel like you're being taken advantage of, you are. Unless you're the rare type who has a history of unreasonable paranoia, you won't feel that way with someone who treats you with respect. So our suggested responses are for extreme cases only. They won't put you on the fast track to most likeable girl on campus. Use them wisely, or else skip them and just politely crawl out the bathroom window.
And we don't mean to pick on you, guys. Just wait, in 10 years the libidinous tables will turn and women will be the utter assholes who dump you for not putting out enough. Except by then they'll be lawyers and ad execs who have to be up to run five miles before work and can't spend all night trolling for easy prey. At least the toughest thing on your plate for tomorrow is freshman comp at noon.
You're still a virgin if we ______: I'm utilizing your deeply held religious beliefs to manipulate you, just like the Pope, baby!
Note: this one is between a woman and the Flying Spaghetti Monster of her choosing. But, we swear to the Judeo-Christian God, as portrayed by Monty Python, that nowhere in religious scripture does it say, "Thou shall not fornicate and butt-sex doesn't count."
Suggested response: Do you want to try pegging?
We should hang out with your roommate more: I want to surreptitiously orchestrate a threesome with your hot roommate.
Suggested response: Yeah, she's been really depressed about the mono.
I'm just not ready for a relationship: I'm just not ready for a relationship with you. Soon enough, I'll fall head over heels for a girl who won't give me the time of day. Or, else I'll get into a super serious relationship that breaks up over the next holiday and my mom will see me cry but we won't talk about it.
Suggested response: I'm just not ready for herpes.
We're just going to cuddle: We're going to spoon, and it's soon going to be blatantly obvious that I really want to fork.
Suggested response: Great, I'll get my stuffed unicorns, Snuggie and The Notebook.
Just the tip: Have you ever tried to put just the tip of a stick into a bonfire?
Suggested Response: The last guy drew back a nub.
We should do body shots: I want to lick random spots on your body.
Suggested response: Why don't you just lick random spots on my body?
Now you kiss her: This isn't about exploring your sexuality; it's about fulfilling mine.
Suggested response: Great, you wait here; we might see you later.
You can't get pregnant if I ... : I want to ejaculate on you because I like to do that but I don't want to admit it to you that's the reason why I want to do it.
Suggested response: I can't get pregnant from you going down on me.
It just doesn't feel as good ... : Until recently you were a virgin. I probably won't get AIDS from you if we don't use protection.
Suggested response: That's what they all say. They all say that.
You're pretty enough to be in porn: I'm going to take naked photos of you now.
Suggested response: Too bad you are not big enough!
You're not hot, you're cute, but I like that too: Nothing good can come from a woman feeling too good about herself.
Suggested response: Sometimes a smaller one is better than a bigger one.
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You like books. That's adorable: I'm intentionally condescending to you so that it's clear who has all the power, but I'm doing it in a way that can't be accused of being rude.
Suggested response: You play first-person shooters? I can't wait for you to meet my 12-year-old brother!
Shake that ass, baby: I'm simultaneously complimenting and degrading you.
Suggested response: Dayum, boy. Can I get a parachute for that peniscopter?