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An Idiot's Guide to Easter

An Idiot's Guide to Easter
via Flickr

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Lots of people have lots of questions about Easter, including, but not limited to:

What is the theological significance of getting so drunk with family on Easter? What is the origin story of Peeps? Why did those white patent-leather fancy church shoes of my Easter childhood have to hurt so fucking bad? I'm here to answer some of those questions.

What is Easter? Easter is the celebration of the resurrection of Christ and his No. 1 wingman, the Easter Bunny.

If Easter is about the resurrection of a dude, where did this Easter Bunny come from?

The Easter Bunny visited Jesus in the cave Jesus got all resurrecty in, just after Jesus had taken his resurrection shower and brushed his resurrected teeth. EB gave JC three gifts: five dozen glitterbombed hard-boiled eggs that EB laid just for Jesus on the spot (symbolizing the Mork & Mindy-like egg pod that JC resurrected in); one package of Cadbury Creme Eggs, freshly dumped out by EB (a natural consequence of birthing that many eggs); and jelly beans (because Easter Bunny knows how to party. "OMJC, let's celebrate this reboot by getting jelly beans-hammered!" he saideth.)

Why do I have to force my toddler's brand new feet into white patent-leather shoes for Easter? Easter dresses and white patent-leather shoes are traditional dress for young girls on Easter. For toddler boys, a ridiculously itchy sweater vest and black shoes (as long as they're uncomfortable) can be subbed for the dress. This tradition was created by God's Nana upon JC's resurrection, and it's absolutely necessary, because a large part of Easter is group photos of uncomfortable children.

 

Happy Easter, kids!
Happy Easter, kids!

Why do we put children in the laps of strangers dressed in giant, dirty Easter Bunny costumes? Forcing a toddler to sit in the lap of a stranger dressed in a dirty Easter Bunny costume is a traditional rite of passage for children on Easter, much like the age-old tradition of introducing college students to The Beer Bong. Like introducing Lindsay Lohan to jail. It just has to be done. Don't make eye contact with the fake bunny's fake eyes. It hurts.

What is the purpose of the Easter egg hunt? To teach toddlers how to use their elbows for self-defense. The event is over once every child has started crying.

Why do Peeps exist? Peeps were invented just to make your mouth annoyed. The only reason for purchasing Peeps should be to explode them with fireworks or in the microwave.


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