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Baby Fashion Is Out of Control

$195 is not too much for shoes for someone who can't walk and doesn't know what the word "shoe" means.
$195 is not too much for shoes for someone who can't walk and doesn't know what the word "shoe" means.
neimanmarcus.com

If you're a new parent, of course you want the best for your beautiful little angel-bundle of piss and dump. And don't fancy designers know it. Here are five ridiculous baby-clothing options that are currently available in the world. Prepare to be amazed.

Gucci Double-Strap Sneaker, Pink (above) You, too, can buy your baby designer shoes for only $195. This shoe looks like a kid already threw up on it. Under "You may also like," they should have included "bending your wallet over and letting Neiman Marcus take advantage of it."

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Juicy Couture for Babies Finally Juicy came out with a line of clothes for infants. I've been hoping and praying for baby hooker clothing, and my wish has been granted. Juicy offers many designs, but this $98 pink Juicy Couture velour tracksuit for a 3-month-old really caught my eye. But they're only showing the front. PLEASE TELL ME IT SAYS "JUICY" ON THE BUTT. It would be the most accurate butt decoration ever. Alas, I'm pretty sure they have missed the opportunity and didn't go there. Lame.

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Versace's $347 baby jogging suit, for when your 3-month-old wants to go out for a quick jog.
Versace's $347 baby jogging suit, for when your 3-month-old wants to go out for a quick jog.
boutiqueforchildren.com

Versace Jogging Shorts Set for Infants Want some running apparel for your 6-month-old boy? Who clearly jogs? For a mere $347, you can have this "Jogging shorts set" from Young Versace. (They're on sale from $365, people. Deal of the century.)

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Diane Von Furstenberg for GapKids This collection is very cute. It is also very 60-dollars-for-a-dress-for-a-three-month-old-to-wear-once. Luckily this design is A-line, to flatter your infant's figure in her first months of life, when she can't even make her own neck or face work properly. I guess we apply the same theory here that we apply to the super old women who can't remember their names but still get DVF clothes from their family members: "Fuck it, I've got the money for it. Let's put her in it and hold her up by the arms for a picture. We'll love it."

Also: I get that Diane Von Furstenberg is lady designer who designs for ladies. But, seriously, no fashion shout-outs for the baby boys? Because, boy babies are shaped differently than girl babies, I guess? Or, maybe it's because a rich mom of a baby boy wouldn't shit her palazzo pants over a DVF onesie for her little man?

Or are we worried that baby boys would puke up the clothing too much, so they don't get to have fancy things? If that's the case, I submit the truth: Puke don't discriminate. I'm convinced that the more my baby girl liked an outfit, the more drool, piss and puke she added to it to claim it like territory.

But seriously, in what meeting did Di-kickass Von Fashionberg say, "I just don't understand the baby boy aesthetic." No meeting, I tell you. No meeting. Because she's awesome at clothes stuff. If she can design a $25 beach ball (that happened), she could have designed a baby boy onesie.

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Baby credit card teether From the people who brought you baby high heels comes their latest WTBF: the baby credit card teether. Good call. Let's teach them how delicious debt tastes as early as possible, shall we?


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