Chain of Fools

If I hear one more person who's not Aretha Franklin singing an Aretha Franklin song, I'm going to throw my cat against a wall. Why does every drunken white girl think she can do justice to "Natural Woman"? Cracker Chick, next time your appletini tells you, "It's time to bust out some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!", just try sticking instead to singing something that highlights your inability to dance and calls for zero vocal talent—like some good old JLo or Ashlee Simpson. You still get to be the center of attention, and if your voice cracks or you sing off-key, people will just think you’re doing a kickass impression of the original artist. It's a win-win. Because honestly, none of us has half the talent Aretha has in her left nip. And we should just accept that and drink on. At 8 p.m. this Saturday, see Aretha Franklin at the Nokia Theatre, 1001 Performance Place in Grand Prairie. Tickets range from $45 to $75, depending on how close you want to get to Aretha's personalities. Parking is $15—or $30 if you get their Premium Parking Service (which I heard includes some crack rocks and a hooker). Call 972-854-5111 or visit
Sat., April 21, 8 p.m.


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