Downton Abbey Asks: "Please Collect Your Gifts from Edith's Jilted Wedding"
It was a crushing ordeal to watch. Just as it seemed that everything was aligning for
Jan Brady Lady Edith Crawley, wide-eyed goofball, early-bird dining enthusiast and longtime Bell's palsy sufferer (unconfirmed) Sir Anthony Strallan abandoned her at the alter.
In effort to remove all visible wedding evidence after the torturous incident, the gifts were crammed into an unused 14th bedroom in a drafty wing on the estate. Sadly, many of the formal, lengthier cards were separated from the presents during relocation. The Abbey has reached out to Mixmaster, and we've promised to post their announcement on our blog regarding which items still need to be collected. If any of these are yours, please send a note to Mr. Carson, along with a forwarding address.
1.) A dog-eared copy of Sir Anthony's favorite piece of time-period pornography, the 1872 smut parade, Lady Bumtickler's Revels .
2.) Shower support bar and grippy tread footprints so that Strallan doesn't fall while in the tub.
3.) A wooden box carved with intriguing detail that seals airtight with a lock and key. The note attached says: "Dearest Edith, I know that we haven't always gotten along in the past, but I'd like that to change moving forward. To aid in this endeavor, whenever you feel compelled to act on instinct, simply write that action down. Next, seal it and your emotions in this box, then behave in the opposite manner. We'll be fast friends in no time. -- L.M.C."
4.) His and Her Driving goggles. Hers appear to be modeled after Florence's latest fashions. His seem to be a specialty purchase: prescription trifocals lenses that also accommodate astigmatism, glaucoma and general droopiness.
5. A hand-knitted arm sling, embroidered with the phrase "Somebody at Downton luvs me!"
6.) A back brace, caffeine capsules (the newest thing from Rome) and sleepytime eye masks. The note attached reads "Happy honeymoon!"
7.) A collection of floorplans to Miami Beach condos. There is a note: "Dear Edith, when this union fails, remember that American men aren't nearly as selective. D.C.o.G."
8.) The newest medical alert bracelet available, complete with groundbreaking "carrier pigeon technology" in men's size 14.
Thank you for your assistance during this sensitive time. -- Staff of Downton Abbey
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