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Fellow Parents: Why Are We Dressing Our Adorable Kids Like Douchey Adults?

Available in 2T.
Available in 2T.

See also: Dear God My Kid Wants Me to Take Her to Chuck E. Cheese

In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

Earlier this summer, I was shopping and came across this bikini in Zara in the Galleria. I thought, "Man -- the ass you'd have to have to pull that off. This thing's tiny."

Then I looked at the sizes it was available in and I saw 2T, 3T and 4T-- this freaking swimsuit is for toddlers. What in the Gerber farts?

How do the salespeople sell this thing? "Ma'am, this swimsuit would be suuuuuuuper sexy on your baby." "This swimsuit has SPF50 in it, so it'll protect her from the sun's harmful UV rays. Well, it'll protect the 5% of her that it covers." "It goes perfectly with these clear velcro platform shoes we have with the little fishies in them!"

Other things on the list of stupid shit people apparently buy for their offspring: This stroller that costs a thousand bucks.

$1,059 at Nordstrom. And it doesn't even have any beer in it.
$1,059 at Nordstrom. And it doesn't even have any beer in it.

If I'm paying over one thousand dollars for a stroller, it had better have airbags, a liquor cabinet and a portal to a world where I get to do all kinds of normal-person shit (Ex: Pee with the door closed; sleep until forever; complete an entire conversation without ever being interrupted by some short person yelling, "I CAN'T REACH THE LIGHT" or "WHY IS THIS YOGURT?")

Another sign that parents are assholes with too much money: This $20 ice cube tray.

People are paying $20 for this.
People are paying $20 for this.

Because, when your infant sweetly projectile burfs homemade sweet potato apple puree into your smiling, open mouth, you'll definitely be able to taste the difference between food that came from some bullshit ice tray and food that came from a "multiportion food freezer tray." What did that lady in the picture's hands make, by the way? Split pea jello shots?

Moving on.

The jeans are $88. But, remember-- it's not the poor doucher baby's fault. You can probably blame his aunt for this.
The jeans are $88. But, remember-- it's not the poor doucher baby's fault. You can probably blame his aunt for this.

Six-month-old sized designer jeans? They're $88, and they've got buttons. Guaranteed it takes three hours and a quick-care visit to wrestle those onto a squirming infant. And once they're on, great! Now you have a douchebag baby! The only difference between the douchebag baby you just created and the douchebag adult version is that the douchebag baby shits his True Religion jeans while he's sober.

Why do we insist on dressing our kids like adults? Babies are the only people who can wear giant shirts with buttons in the crotch + no pants + yes socks + no shoes and crawl around the park yelling, "Fork!" without someone calling the cops. Let them have this wonderful, wonderful time. Stop the dumb, you guys.


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