We're 12 years into the 21st century and still doing holiday things that would make the 1990s shudder. Here's a list of things we, as a nation, need to knock the eff off.
1. Car Antlers Let's go ahead an toss car wreaths and humorous Santa body parts in the radiator grill in here too. Here's a hint: Don't buy you holiday decorations at the same car wash that sold you those truck nuts.
2. Elf on the Shelf A smug little holiday snitch who spies on kids an reports back to Santa? All I want for Christmas is a shiv.
3. Parents who participate in Elf on the Shelf and Facebook it. The only faster way to get yourself hidden is to post a gender reveal picture.
4. Ugly Sweater Parties "Oh look, it's a dead horse. Let's beat it."
5. Carolers Cheesy Christmas music on the elevator at work. Cheesy Christmas jingles in ads on the radio driving from work. Cheesy Christmas music in the store in the PA where I'm buying a 12-pack. Back in car to home. More jingles. Turn on TV, more cheese. Yeah, come to my door and sing. I dare you.
6. Looking at Lights If I want to drive extremely slowly and look at long lines of twinkling lights, I'll just head down the tollway, thanks.
7. Canning Jars Filled With Ingredients "Here I got you something, it's more trouble than it's worth and will likely taste terrible. You probably won't be poisoned much, though."
8. Office Secret Santa You know you're just going to get the weirdo that knitted you a stuffed animal out of human hair.
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9. A Donation Made in Your Honor Why thank you! And to return the favor, I'm making one in your honor to NAMBLA.
10. White Elephant Gift Parties Just give a single match and a five-dollar bill because that's pretty much what's happening here.