Hunker Down! Our Top Five Predictions for the Coming Apocalypse

If anything can be said for the news cycle over the last few days, it's that there has been a conspicuous dearth of 2012 doomsday coverage. It's almost New Year's - are we not doing this Mayan calendar thing anymore?

Oh, right. Well, even if Mesoamerican eschatology is no longer en vogue, we're still convinced that the Big One's going to hit any millennium now. As such, the only responsible action we can take as journalists is to direct you to these nifty survival kits and offer predictions for life in post-apocalyptic Dallas.

Find our guesses for the top five Observer stories in January 2013 after the jump.

1. Rapid weight loss for historically fat-ass Dallas following a sparse diet of military-grade MREs and tears.

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2. Ray Wylie Hubbard appointed high-priest of developing snake-god cult. Just sounds nasty.

3. Lilliputian Robert Jeffress finally clears 5'3" after fortuitous douse of radiation from nuclear blast.

Jeffress confronts Bill Maher and Shrek, er, Penn Jillette about missing Lucky Charms.
Jeffress confronts Bill Maher and Shrek, er, Penn Jillette about missing Lucky Charms.
hbo.com

4. Glenn Beck/Khloe Kardashian sex tape uncovered in rubble; Fox News regrets dumping Beck more than ever, considers texting him at 3:00 a.m.

5. Harold Camping returns all the money he pilfered from old, poor people who didn't know better. A "noble" gesture, but irrelevant, as the only precious good traded as currency is Shiner Bock.

So, get home and perfect that bomb shelter before Nibiru hits. Or, check out this intellectual bitch slap regarding 2012 prophecy by steamy astrophysicist (a.k.a. "comet wrangler") Neil deGrasse Tyson:

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