Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on the same day of every week, making it a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
The Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade is now named the Dallas St. Patrick's Day Parade. And word on the green-beer-puke-filled street is that City Hall thinks it wants to make the event more "family-friendly." I have written this letter to the mayor in response.
Dearest The Mayor,
As an Irish, I'm first and foremost confused by the idea that the Dallas St. Patrick's Day Parade could be any more family-friendly than it already is. What is more family-friendly than holding a toddler in one arm and a yard of beer in the other?
But if you still insist on attempting to make this parade more family-friendly, I can see how this could benefit both drunks and toddlers, as both of these groups of people share many common needs.
I offer these thoughts for your consideration as you define what changes you'll be making to this wonderful Dallas event that would create a more family-friendly, and as a result, a more drunk-friendly environment:
1. We're definitely going to need more boobs. Drunk people love boobs, and toddlers loooooove boobs. Don't make the knee-jerk decision to remove boobsy women and men from the parade floats. We need those boobs.
2. Tilt-a-whirls and pony rides are a no-go. Kids and drunks both think they like these things, and then they inevitably end up barfing and crying when the rides are over. Plus: pony poop.
3. Babyproof (and, as a result, drunkproof) Greenville Avenue. Cover every sidewalk and sharp corner with that spongy material they have on the floor at gymnastics centers. Cover all electrical outlets. Hide all household cleaners. Green sippy cups for everyone.
4. Designated nap areas. Simply rope off some grassy medians where people of all ages can pass out. Night lights will be needed for the evening, as "the dark is too scary."
5. Story time for the toddlers, obviously led by the drunks. This could go a couple of ways: Either get some board books for the drunks to attempt to read, or go with an open-mic situation. Either way, you'll absolutely end up hearing the spoken lyrics of "Living On A Prayer." Which is a win for all involved. It's a good story.
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In closing, I reiterate that this parade really doesn't need to be any more family-friendly. That's what Frisco is for. We keep all the family-friendly shit there.
Maybe instead of spending time talking about making this parade more family-friendly, we should, instead, focus on something Dallas really needs: a cat park. It's probably well documented somewhere that our dog parks need to be more cat-friendly. There's not even one cat park in this town. That's jacked up, The Mayor.
Thank you for your time,