We're watching Bravo's Most Eligible Dallas every week so you don't have to. For introductions to the cast members, check out last week's recap of the premiere. There's a lot to rehash, so on with the show!
Scene 1: Decked out in his finest athletic sweater, Matt stops by his high-rise office and pretends to work. First he calls an employee in to "tell me about your day," and then he sits down at his father's conference table for a very important business meeting/pep talk. All the while, his voiceover is sharing humble thoughts such as "I can live so much in one day versus what some people can't do in weeks or months," and that ol' chestnut, "It's real good to be me." He then details his illustrious career with the UT football team -- which ended with an arm injury -- and throws up the most unconvincing "hook 'em" gesture in the world's long history. "Life just gets better every year," Matt says in the interview footage. Cut to him practice-putting in his office.
Scene 2: More Matt! He brings a coffee drink to Neill at Universal Rehearsal, where she's performing what could very well be a tampon jingle with her band of bearded men. She tells Matt that they sometimes write songs on the drums, and then kicks out a simple drum beat to prove this. Suddenly, the guys in the band feel the need to be somewhere else, which gives Matt and Neill a chance to revisit the disastrous group dinner from Episode 1. Matt apologizes for Courtney's behavior and theorizes that she was simply letting her pride get the best of her. But Neill thinks the hostility might have come from Courtney's jealousy and secret desire to be Matt's one and only. Gee, wonder who's right?
Scene 3: Drew showers and primps at his prestigious Uptown apartment. He's heading out, with comically named buddy Daylon in tow, to meet with a matchmaker. In his cutaway interview, Drew says that when he thinks of matchmakers, he thinks of Fiddler on the Roof. Hey, didn't he just say last week that he knew nothing about the arts? Hmm. ... Anyway, the boys show up at the condo of Sarah, who is basically a poor man's Patti Stanger with a Southern accent. We halfway expect her to stand up and shout, "Mmeet mmy hundredaires!" Sarah keeps her clients' info on handwritten note cards, complete with doodles. Drew and Daylon immediately sense that this could be a dead end. If only there were a buddon you could push for the perfect date.
Scene 4: Courtney and Matt engage in a quick argument over drinks at Nick & Sam's. He's not letting the senseless attack on Neill go. But Court's no ace of apologies. In fact, her acid tongue's working overtime this fine evening. Might be the wine. She even does a baby voice to mock Neill. We enjoy the cruel, buzzy Courtney. She's Bravo-worthy to the max. "You've officially pinned me as the villain, Matt. Thank you for that."
Scene 5: Glenn's doe-eyed photographer and sports agent arrive at his house to peruse the shots from Episode 1's ab-tastic photo shoot. After the photographer tells him he reminds her of Vin Diesel (pick-up line? You be the judge), Glenn can't mask his own self admiration. But he's cute about it. "Thought I was lookin' pretty good; I'm not gonna lie," he says with a toothy smile.
Scene 6: Courtney and her mother meet up at an unnamed local swimmin' hole for a gabfest. Sample dialogue -- Court: "Gotta get a tan so I can get a man." Mom: "Oh, Courtney Kerr, God has a plan for you." Just in time, Tara joins them. After hearing of the ongoing conflict regarding Neill, Tara suggests that the three female cast members go to dinner to clear the air. Mom approves of this plan. "You're going to dinner because you are a kind person," she tells her daughter, before emitting a significant cackle. The conversation shifts to Tara's life: She's looking forward to a date with local radio personality Jody Dean. Courtney's concerned in her cutaway interview. "Literally, he works for an oldies station. He's apparently ancient, from what I know." Scene ends with another Court gem: "It's sooo hot. It just got, like, 10 decimals hotter."
Scenes 7A-7J: QUICK-CUT TRIUMVIRATE OF DOOM DATES
7A: Matt's at home, getting ready for another one of his now-famous surprise group dates. He calls three different women for this particular outing. He thinks it's all very impressive. We think it's male-pattern douchiness. Agree to disagree!
7B: Tara and her lovable doofus of a date get on the freeway to enjoy a romantic night at a bowling alley (Splitsville, quite possibly the Arlington location). Jody teaches her how to bowl, she lands a strike on her first attempt.
7C: Drew meets the pocket-sized man his matchmaker has chosen, and is not pleased. They make uncomfortable small talk as Drew's voiceover tells us, "It's like pairing Andre de Giant up to a little midget."
7D: Matt picks up Kat, a blond who has no idea what's in store for her. They sit down for what she thinks will be an intimate dinner at Eddie V's, only to be joined by a double dose of brunette snark called Brittnye and Shannon. Kat makes a "my dream just died" face. Matt still believes he's rocking this shit.
7E: More Drew small talk with the red-headed pocket date. Drew: "What about you? Do you want kids, or ...?" Pocket: "No kids for me, please." Drew's voiceover: "Get me the [bleep] out of here."
7F: Tara and Jody talk about his nearly grown children over a post-bowling sandwich. She thinks his papa-bear-ness is "so sexy."
7G: Back to the Matt orgy. He makes a toast "to family." So now he thinks he's in an episode of Big Love?
7H: Drew-Pocket again. They grab the check, speed walk toward the rest of their lives. "Screw dis matchmaking crap," Drew opines. "I can ... do better hanging out at a park at night, when it's dark."
7I: Date's over for Matt and his sister-wives. After the brown-haired ones walk off, free meal in belly, the blondie agrees to subject herself to more undeniable charm and a "nightcap" at Matt's home. Tsk. Now she's just playing herself.
7J: The Tara-Jody date ends with an entertaining comedy of errors. He backs his monster truck into a car in the parking lot. "You ever heard the phrase dummer'n a brick?" he asks her, and then points to himself. "Da-da!" They make it back to her house without incident, and he gives her an awkward kiss before tripping over a bird bath or planter or something. We'd like to see more of Jody.
Scene 8: Glenn, Drew and Tara order lamb balls at some eatery in what Drew refers to "the countryside." Garland? Mesquite? No idea. Tara pulls out her iPad to the delight of the others. Somewhere in Dallas, Courtney and Matt are thanking the Bravo gods that they aren't contractually obligated to film today.
Scene 9: Drew and Glenn go for a run on the Katy Trail. Their voiceovers discuss the unlikelihood of their gay-straight alliance. But, honestly, they're sweet boys who are genuinely nice to each other. Good for them; questionable for reality television.
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Scene 10: Courtney and Tara sit down at Al Biernet's for their dinner/showdown with Neill. Before the new girl gets there, they chug down a bottle of wine. Going on Court's slurry aggression, we'd wager that most of that bottle was poured into her over-sized glass. Once Neill arrives, it doesn't take long to move from half-niceties to full-on inquisition. Heavy-eyelid Court asks Neill about Matt: "Likeyouwinnonnadate?" And then, "Likewastheremakingout?" Neill's voiceover: "I mean, I'm not a life counselor, but Courtney should lay off the booze." Tara's never been quieter in her life. The evening ends somewhat abruptly after Neill's kind, gentle attempt at a "back off, bitch" gesture. Courtney probably didn't remember it in the morning.
Scene 11: An all-too-sober Matt wakes Courtney from her boozy slumber with an early-morning phone call. Tells her he heard about the dinner with Neill and that he's "disappointed" in her. She has little chance to respond coherently before he hangs up. She stares at her phone, shell-shocked: "ARE YOU FOR REE-ULL?"
Yes, Courtney, he's for real. And our advice to you is to keep being not-for-real. Just please make sure you take a cab home.