In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.
Babies are great. They're cute, they're made of you, they say funny stuff -- aside from the occasional bodily function gone wrong, they're rad. One of the best things about babies is that you can blame stuff on them and people won't ever know until the baby becomes a kid and starts saying words like, "My parents are liars."
If you're new to parenting, you might not know all of the things you can blame on a baby, so here's a handy list of the basics:
1. Being late to everything all the time. The whole "The kid was stalling" thing? That's a lie. Babies are actually stunningly punctual. But nobody knows that because babies talk funny and none of us can understand their milkdrunkspeak. So keep claiming that babies are slow as hell. Everyone will believe you.
2. Leaving early. "If we don't leave now, she won't fall asleep tonight." Read: "I very much dislike your company and your wine offerings. Peace out."
3. Forcing other people to work with your schedule "because of nap time" or "because of a feeding." Such bullshit. But it works like a charm.
4. Can't even make it to the party. "Sorry -- we couldn't find a babysitter. I knoooooow. I'm so sad, too." Lies. Do you know how many grandparents exist on this planet? Who cares if they're not related to you? One can find a babysitter when one wants a babysitter.
5. Spilling/breaking stuff I spilled a beer and blamed it on a baby. It wasn't even my baby. That's how good I am at blaming stuff on babies. Don't judge. Learn, Grasshopper.
6. Politics Got annoying friends who insist on talking politics? Blame a baby and political conversation = over. "Oh, the budget isn't balanced? Shock. Maybe if the President wasn't so busy shaking hands with babies, he'd have time to do whatever it is that presidents are elected to do in addition to shaking hands with babies." "Maybe if babies would stop crying all the time, Democrats and Republicans could stop being so Democratty and Republicany."
You don't have to have a baby for this one to work, but it helps to at least have one around so you can point directly at it while you're blaming it for the failure of our great country.
7. Global Warming Once you know how to blame a baby for political problems, it's easy to blame them for pretty much all of the world's big issues, including, but not limited to, global warming. Any way you look at it, babies are the ones causing global warming. Their smiles are obviously melting the glaciers. The cutest babies are the biggest part of the problem. It's that easy.
8. Farts Easy money.
9. Lashing out If you are a parent, at any point of any day, whether your baby is in the same room as you or not, you can blame your baby for making you into a monster. "I'm sorry I punched you in the mouth out of nowhere and for no apparent reason. I have a baby. Here is a picture of the baby."
10. The Internet You know what's wrong with America? The Internet. And you know who I blame for The Internet? Babies and kittens. Because they're obviously the ones who invented it. How do I know babies and kittens invented The Internet? Because they're all over it. Google any word plus "baby" and there's a photo or a link to something. Evidence:
Search: fart baby
Search: Star Wars baby
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Search: not a baby
So the next time your Internet connection is lost, or you're late to a meeting, or the government is failing, you know what to do: blame the baby. You know you've earned it.