SPOILER ALERT: 50 Shades of Grey Movie as Predicted by a Mother of Two

We don't have time to read boob books. Boob movies, on the other hand...
We don't have time to read boob books. Boob movies, on the other hand...
50 Shades of Grey Movie Still

I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey. I was waiting for someone to make it into a movie, because as a mother of two, I rarely have time to read books, and I must use what little time I have to read books with titles like, How to Not Stab Yourself In The Eye With A FunDip Stick When Your Kid Refuses To Write 'Happy Valentine's Day' On The 27th Damn Valentine and Remember When You Didn't Know That The 100th Day At School Was A Holiday?

I would then wait for that movie to become available on Netflix, as my own home can be easily transformed into a Cinemark 17 after 8 p.m. All you need is some popcorn, a bottle of wine that you drink sneakily out of an MS150 water bottle and a number of years on this planet that lets you think, "Yep, this is exactly the same as going to the movie theater. Actually, it's even better, because no public restroom and lazy. And cheap."

Long story long, I don't have time to read boobs books. Even boobs books targeted directly at the demographic that is me.

All I know is that the main character guy in the book (we'll call him Sebarstchian) is supposed to be super bangable. And that moms REALLY like this book, and are even more visible-boner-happy about the movie.

If moms think this Sebarstchian dude is The Ultimate, here are some of my predictions about what must happen in the book/movie. SPOILER ALERT: IT'S ALL DEFINITE SPOILERS.

1. Sebarstchian is the picturesque, ideal husband and father. Physically, he is just two eyes that always really look like they're listening, his body is made of warm fleece blankets that smell of wood chips and he has a winner dong. The rest, you can't even remember because it does not matter. The lawn-mowing service he owns brings in six figures, and requires him to work until 3 p.m. at the latest, which he's working on. He's really hoping to get that number reduced to 2 p.m. In the opening scene of the movie, obvious sex happens (based purely on Sebarstchian's "I mean, how can you not be constantly porking this guy?" qualities).

2. At some point early in the movie, we get a flashback to when the mid-forties main character mom first realizes that Sebarstchian is special: He gives her 10 minutes alone to take a quiet, uninterrupted shit. It's the "me time" she's been searching for. He just leaves the house with the offspring she once somehow chose to make and lets her deuce in peace. It's the sexiest mom thing that has ever been on a movie screen. People will be disgusted, saddened but also intrigued by mid-forties-darling Mersha Dentry's first on-screen performance (and dump). Super brave. You can see the deep healing in her eyes as she almost-silently sharts. There is nobody scratching under the door to reach for her toes; no one staring, mouth agape, at her lady junk in pure horror as they try to remember why they burst into the shitter in the first place and then successfully remember that it was to ask a very important question: "Is this my left hand, or is THIS my left hand?"; nobody screaming through the door that they also took this opportunity to crap, only they need help wiping more immediately than can be explained. She is forever bound to this man.

3. Major Conflict: Sebarstchian is a fraud!?!? Things take an unexpected turn when Mersha hears that Sebarstchian's been living a lie for the last eight years, and his name is actually Vernk (Short for Vernathern). But when Mersha finds out that Vernk changed his name because he was running from the cops for breaking the laws of physics by being so awesome all the time, she forgives him. They have a laugh over the cheese tray he prepared, made from cheeses he had been building for years: Because of course Vernk is a cheese-builder. Cheese sex happens.

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4. More Easily-Resolved Conflict: A threat to the perfect relationship shows up. Dorian Grey shows up and requests to have humps with Mersha 50 times, but the deal is, he'll be getting slightly tanner every time. It's just a bucket list thing. She rejects him, because Vernk just remembered to take the trash out RIGHT before the trash trucks showed up. Meaningful Thanks-For-Remembering-To-Take-Out-The-Trash-No-Really-Thanks-Seriously sex happens.

5. There will be no sex cliches. Speaking of sex, it should be noted that this movie will not feature any of the ridiculous cliches that most movies feature when they show the sexing. There will be no angry-slam-you-against-a-wall-boning, because the walls are textured and that would hurt. There will be no close-ups of the woman making the "I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE" face during sex, because she's totally felt that way before -- sorry, Magic Boner Dude. And at no point will Mersha rest her head on the chest of Vernk after sex. She will, instead, go pee. Because nobody wants a UTI for breakfast.

I hope you go see 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine's Day. After you do, please tell me, slowly and breathily, about the part where Sebarstchian sets the laundry on fire in the front yard and says, "It's done." I won't be seeing it for another few months, and I have to know how you think that played out on-screen versus the way you interpreted it when you read the book.


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