Stupid Dallas: Five Other '80s TV Shows We Cannot Remake


Sooo, Dallas, huh?
Yep, that was terrible. Let's never watch that ever again. In fact, let's stop trying to resurrect iconic shows entirely. Dallas was all about shoulder pads, wealth and the young power couple JR/Sue Ellen. It doesn't work in 2012. It got me thinkin' about other programs I gobbled up in the '80s that need to stay in their betamax time capsules, rather than be exhumed. There's dignity in death.

1.) Small Wonder

I loved this sitcom about V.I.C.I., the robot child who "slept" in a closet and always wore the same weird maid outfit. She broke down a lot, and that snoopy red-headed neighbor was always waiting for her to trip up. God, that girl was awful... especially at spying. I mean the girl's a feaking robot, just splash some water on her, tickle her, something. I ain't no cyborg scientist, but...

2.)

Out of this World

Here's the deal '80s: you were great. You were all "hells yeah, every show and movie is going to be strangely science-fiction themed and you're going to love it."

Out of this World

could never launch for the first time in 2012, people would be all "her dad lives in a crystal ashtray and she can freeze time with her fingers?" Yes, Earth. She can, and it's rad. Also, she's half-alien, half-cheerleader: you wanna make something of it? Oh, and those holograms that are so hip today?

Out of This World

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beat us to the punch.

3.) ALF I'll admit it: I tried to re-watch ALF recently. Like songs by Sublime and ice cream with bubble gum in it, ALF was not what I remembered. That cuddly muppet was the inspiration for my 1.) sleeping bag, 2.) my collectable stuffed animal, 3.) my sports bottle and my kids' size trucker hat. Gorden Shumway was a god.

Upon reviewing as an adult, he's a small man in a furry, rather terrifying, outfit who just creepily talks about eating cats. Let's leave this one in peace. (ALF's embed codes have all been disabled. You'll have to click the title for that one.)

4.) Punky Brewster

I'm not sure why, but kids fantasize about being orphaned. I think there's something appealing in the thought that someone else in the world would understand you better than the family you were born into. Punky Brewster had it all: a cool foster dad and her dog, Brandon. It was 1986, besides a bunch of sass and a mixmatched closet, what else did a kid need to get by? I'm not going to say this would be bad to watch this again today, but why disturb its rainbow perfection?

5.)

Perfect Strangers

Look, it would be easy enough to grab the stars of

Perfect Strangers

and talk them into a remake -- I don't think either of them are too...busy, but let's not. A show hinged on "laugh at the foreigner" jokes, was still seen as okay in 1986 (and again when Bronson Alcott Pinchot basically resurrected a weapons-slinging Balki Bartokomous for those

Beverly Hills Cop

movies), but I'd like to think that we've moved on? On to what? I dunno:

horndog dad jokes

, I guess.

If you have a favorite that you want left alone, stick it in the comments.


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