Lipstick red, heart ballon towers framed the stage of Hyena's in Dallas. The lights went out, the spotlights came on, and a skinny Bangali kid named Usama Siddiquee took the stage. The Osama bin Laden joke? Immediate. The beat boxing? Unexpected.
The Super Humor Funny show (Pt. 2) was underway. And while host Siddiquee was holding his own, my eye was drawn to the peculiarly pale guy near the stage. He was on...something.
While I was busy spying on Pale Guy, comedian Anthony Perez had taken the stage. Every month in Texas is Truck Month, he said. Perez grew up on the California-Mexico border, where it's perfectly normal to hear gunshots followed by complete silence, no sirens. Where being handy around the house means you grew up broke. Where Perez worried about Immigration getting a hold of teleportation technology. He talked about what he knows, and it worked. I snapped a few shots of him before his set was up, and then drifted back over to Pale Guy.
He was trying desperately to eat something. Whatever it was, it was falling out of his hands, back on to the table, his mouth left empty. I was surprised he was still sitting up. Siddiquee introduced our next comedian, Tony Ybarra, and my gaze was back to center stage.
The audience was regaled with tales of "dream sluts" (significant others who cheat on you in your own dreams) and boob fantasies (if you push one boob in, the other should grow to twice its size). But don't let Ybarra's childish humor fool you--he has real solutions to real problems. In fact, he has the answer to traffic-induced road rage. Politicians, are you paying attention? Here it is: a midget lane. Yes, a lane reserved only for height-challenged individuals. Here's his plan: Give midgets their own lane, let them ride Go Karts on the highway, install ramps at various intervals. Voila! The crowd went nuts over the ramps, which just goes to show you that not all good ideas come from up top. Sometimes they come from the bottom. The very, very bottom.
Ybarra hopped off stage, and Siddiquee climbed up to introduce the night's headliner. I took another peek at Pale Guy. He had donned a track suit jacket and completely given up trying to appear coherent. His eyes being open was optional by now. Amazing.
The crowd roared as Siddiquee brought Nick Guerra onstage. Five foot five, with long brown hair and a staccato laugh (think stoner Urkel), Guerra pretty much killed. He had the energy of a 5 year old, though he claimed he isn't as energetic as he used to be now that he's 30. He admitted to being a little creepy. How creepy? Ladies, how's this for a pick-up line: "I wanna taste your uterus." Yeah. I'm just gonna let that one simmer for a minute.
But to Guerra there are worse things a person could be. Case in point: reformed cholos. You see them on the street, thinking you're about to get mugged. They come closer, and then you hear, "Can I talk to you about Jesus?" "Just mug me!" Guerra yelled. "It would be less uncomfortable."
Guerra put on a kick-ass set, and when it was over, I grabbed my things to get up. But the show was far from done. It was Game Show time! For the first time that night, I noticed the two poster boards taped to the walls and the three gift bags on stage. And what happened next will live in my mind's eye for weeks.
Ybarra made his way back onstage, and he and Guerra got the games going. First up was a game for two women--writing their names on poster boards using fake penises (Magic Markers glued to clothes pins, with plastic Easter eggs for balls). The competitors? Two of the toughest lesbians in DFW. One of them broke her "penis." I can't make this shit up.
Next up? Two couples competing in blind-folded makeovers. It was another all-girl team against a male-female team. The made-up man, whose girlfriend is now in major debt to him, was declared prettiest and won hands down.
Then the dance competitions began. First up were the ladies. There was much booty shaking, a little lasso-tossing and a lot of giggling. And then it was the men's turn. They would compete for the ultimate prize: a giant chocolate Easter bunny named The Professor. And who comes up onstage? Pale Guy, naturally.
Wobbling back and forth, he made it to the stage, tried to step up, and completely face-planted next to Guerra's shoes. Meanwhile, a giant teddy bear of a man hopped up from the other side of the room with the grace of a ballerina. Pale Guy recovered, and the music started, Teddy Bear up first.
He stomped around the stage, looking every bit like the Thing from X-Men. And then it was Pale Guy's turn. And guys, I have video. Enjoy. By the way, turns out Pale Guy's name is Derrick. But he'll always be Pale Guy in my heart. Video language is NSFW.
