Mother's Day is Sunday. If you planned to shrug it off and just shoot your mom a quick text, here are nine reasons to change your mind. By the time you get through this list you'll FaceTime your own special lady while sobbing apologetic tears, thanking her for every sandwich and snack she ever made you. These disturbing women make even the most mediocre mom shine like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias. Now wipe that schmutz off of your face and let's get started.
#9 Anne Ramsey in Throw Mama From the Train
Danny Devito needs all the love he can get, but he won't find it from Anne Ramsey's character from this '80s cult film. All she has to offer is abuse, cruel sentiments and (shudder) forced "bath time."#8 Anne Ramsey in Goonies
Anne Ramsey is so great at being terrible that she takes two positions on this list. As Mama Fratelli in the Goonies, she threatens all of our heroes, but especially Chunk! Serving double-duty as both matriarch and mastermind of her family unit, she's willing to put a young boy's hand in a blender.
He didn't turn out that way on his own, honey. Sure, she's made the morbid conversion to ventriloquist's crypt creeper before the film begins, but she kinda did that to herself. It's what happens when you tell your son that all women, aside from you, are skags.#6 Big Edie from Grey Gardens
This Great Gatsby-conjuring documentary aims the camera on a shadow-dwelling mother/daughter team, each named Edith Bouvier Beale. By keeping her daughter isolated in a dilapidated house through adolescence and into adulthood, Little Edie turns weird. Real weird. Try-and-hump-the-camera-guy, weird.#5 Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom
In all fairness, she's not a terrible mom. She's a great mom who does terrible things. This "true tale" by John Waters is a fun excuse to see Kathleen Turner go all bonkers and bananas on her crappy suburban community while wearing mom jeans and cardigans. Oh, and don't you dare double-time her daughter, or you'll be put in "forever time-out."#4 Piper Laurie in Carrie
So your mom skipped a few talks during those awkward teenage stages, choosing instead to slip educational pamphlets under your bedroom door -- big deal. After watching Margaret White's physically violent rants on the topic, even a Westboro Baptist mom looks liberal and cuddly.#3 Ol' Mrs. Voorhees from Friday the 13th
Her crime is loving her child too much, and mass murder. (The latter of which is mainly why she made it so high on the list.) This camp cook's mental recipe book was shredded when Jason flopped at his self-issued swimming test in Crystal Lake. Now the only thing she cares to prepare is a mother's revenge: set on full boil.#2 Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest
Proof that not all women were destined to be caretakers, this memoir-turned-film about Joan Crawford's alleged relationship with her adopted daughter takes place in an era where women -- especially those in the limelight -- were seen as more desirable if they had families. She's a savage, and she probably never made Christina "ants on a log," either. Bad mom, bad! (Bonus: Here's a link to the episode of "The Will" where Joan screws Christina and Christopher out of any inheritance. Boo-ya from the grave!)
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#1 Hattie Dorsett in Sybil
Uhg. There aren't words. Quick, what's the number for 1-800-Flowers? I've got a bouquet to send.