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'The A-List: Dallas' Season Finale Recap: "You're Not Supposed to Fornicate"

This season on 'The A-List: Dallas,' Cowboy Levi seduced everyone with opposable thumbs, straight-gal-in-charge Ashley nurtured her motherly instinct using brutal troof, Chia Hair Chase said "baybee" a lot, RepubliTwink Taylor made cute-bitch faces and deceived people, Crazy Trust Fund James drank out of every open container in sight, and Loose Lips Phillip stirred up ten-gallon tubs of shit, head constantly moving. Now that you're caught up, let's see what's going down in the season finale.

[Cue GarageBand synth hook ... "Nevah had a buoy like me DA DA DA!"]

Scene 1: Levi meets up with his country-bear rodeo mentor, Wade, to talk about an opportunity for ropin' redemption. Since Leev wasn't cleared by the doc to straddle an actual buckin' bronco, Wade's gonna let him do some announcing and praying over the P.A. at the upcoming gay rodeo world championships in Fort Worth. Levi is speechless, suddenly realizing that announcing rodeo events has been his real dream all along. He can barely hold back croc tears. Side note: Don't you think Levi and Wade would make a hot brokeback couple? I mean, our cowboy usually goes for the pretty ones, but he could use a rough-and-tumble top in his tent every once in a while. Just a thought.

Scene 2: Li'l Tay Tay's in LA, wearing his best V-neck sweater and chatting with Jimmy, a board member of the GOProud gay-conservo organization, about a possible consulting gig. The dude wants to know how Tay can bring in the big donors. We get a sudden vision of Taylor waiting in a hotel room in only a kimono, but we're quickly brought back to reality as Jimmy announces he'll be lunching with Ann Coulter the next day. "Can I come?" asks a wide-eyed Taylor, with visions of Nazi Barbies dancing in his head. Of course, sez Jimmy. After all, she's on the GOProud board, and it'll be good to see how Taylor interacts with "celebrities." And then Jimmy gets in the most ridiculous line of the episode (yet): "You know, conservative women are hot ... cuz they're happy."

Scene 3: Back in Dallas, Chase and Levi go for a little lover's walk around the lake. Levi invites his fling-a-ding to the rodeo, says he's nervous about praying publicly. Chase suggests getting prayin' tips from Ashley (because she's so adept at communicating with the lord). The next topic introduced by the cowboy, randomly, is Taylor's upcoming meeting with Ann Coulter (word sure travels fast!). Chase picks his jaw up off the ground and makes his feelings about this abundantly clear: "God, I hate that woe-man."

Scene 4: Levi has James and Phillip over for a barbecue, during which the three dish the dirt on the upcoming rodeo and other thangs. Phil's actually likeable in this scene, thanks to a few ultra-snarky comments. Levi: "It's the International Gay Rodeo Association World Championship Finals Rodeo." Phil: "Oh my god, that's so many words." Then James gets in a zinger. Phil: "What's so gay about it?" James: "They take it up the ass." AND THEN, in cutaway, Phil says what we're all thinking, that Levi the mumbler might not be the best choice for an announcer. "Heyeverbodywelcumtothagayrodeo!" he mocks. Loving these men right now. Well, until the talk moves to Levi's relasha-ship with Chase. Phillip becomes his old self again, grilling Leev about his intentions. This has been covered enough.

Scene 5: Coulter lunch date in full effeck. And dear Ann is surprisingly delightful at conversatin' ... until she tells Taylor that he shouldn't listen to his gay loins. That's what Jesus said, she claims. Ann: "You're not supposed to fornicate. I just want that on the table [haughty laugh]." Taylor: "Oops [uncomfortable laugh]." Can't wait until Chase hears about this. His hair might spontaneously combust.

Scene 6: Levi, Phillip and James are drinking together at a wine bar. James announces that he's moving to LA. We're guessing because he doesn't have any unpaid bar tabs there. But no; he wants to continue his quest for an acting career, after that life-changing audition for 'Chubby Chasers.' Leev and Phillip are worried about how Ashley will react to James' news, since she's his self-appointed sponsor. James is equally frightened. We know, girl. Those curls can be intimidating.

['RuPaul's Drag Race' promo airs yet again. Praying there's a contestant from Dallas so we can convince Mixmaster to let us recap the show.]   Scene 7: Levi visits Ashley to invite her to the gay rodeo. She gives him public-prayer instruction, intelligently advises him to focus on the event in his comments, and not his silly childhood dreams. Once the lesson ends, Levi drops it on Ash that James is having a going-away dinner. Ash: "Number 1, I didn't know he was moving to LA, and Number 2, I was never invited to any dinner party." Oooh, shit, it's about to go down. "I'll go," she threatens. "I have some ... parting words for him." Scene 8: James and the androgynous mensch Brayden (in a red Thriller jacket!) await dinner party guests at the restaurant. Brayden has no time to get verklempt, though, because in come Levi and -- dun dun dun - Ashley. Curl Gurl manages to hug James and play it cool for a few minutes, despite his outward surprise that she's there. But before we know it, she's letting James have it. "Number Zero, I wanna know why you told everybody that you're moving except for me." Then: "I think that you have problems, and you're running away. I'm not gonna support your decision." Napkin drops. "Good luck in LA. I'm done." Gets up to leave. Brayden: "You're leaving? ARE YOU SIRRRIIOUS?" Looks as though she's dead serious, Bray Bray.

Scene 9: The world championship gay rodeo is a den of awkwardness. As Levi mumbles over the loudspeaker and drag beauty queens wave to a nonexistent crowd, our cast members try their best not to strangle each other in the stands. Chase is seated next to Taylor, who just last weekend fucked Levi on the down low in San Antone. Ashley and James are trying to keep things civil after the dinner of doom, but Phillip won't let that happen. He congratulates James for making his OWN decision about moving to LA. Then he targets Ashley for being in everyone's "businesses." Ha! The hypocrisy of this gossip queen rightcheer! Ashley gets pissed, attacks Phillip repeatedly until he storms out. Also, is it just us, or are the bulls significantly smaller at a gay rodeo? Twink bulls? Scene 10: After the rodeo, Chase makes a beeline to Levi to congratulate his man for a job well done. "Oh baybee!" he exclaims, not knowing his world is about to be turnt inside out. As usual, Levi feels suffocated by Chase's devotion. So they join the rest of the gang at the post-ropin' banquet. Taylor can't stop talking about his lunch with Ann Coulter, which intrigues and infuriates Chase. They all go outside so everyone can hear better/have an embarrassing bitch fight. I'll paraphrase and edit the dialogue from here on out.

Chase: "It really offends me that you keep talking about Ann Coulter and insist on being involved with people who don't support our lifestyle." Taylor: "Oh yeah, well you are a big poopy head so stop getting your panties in a wad." Levi: "No really, Taylor, it's about the right to live out loud. What if I want to go to a rodeo with my husband someday?" Taylor: "That would mean you have to commit, Levi. Burn center! And why don't you tell Chase that you're fucking me and him at the same time?" Chase: "Wha-wha-what?" Levi: "He's just trying to say that we had some drinks in San Antonio and [mumbles something incoherently]." Taylor: "And I woke up the next morning in his hotel room. Take that, Chase, you big mean boy!" Chase: "So, y'all slept together?" Levi: "Uh, yeah." Chase: "Great debate, guys. I'm gonna get some wine, leave a trail of tears to the exit, and kick the door open for effect." We then see Levi join Chase outside, try to explain himself to no avail. Poor Chizzle. He knew this day would come, but it still stings suh hard. His final words: "I kinda get it now, Levi." To be continued next season, or at least at next week's reunion.

Scene 11: Ashley meets James to see him off to the airport. After voicing her frustrations ("Sometimes I believe in you more than you believe in you") she finally grits her teeth and expresses support for his acting move. She probably knows he'll fail and be back in time for Season 2. But for now, she wants him to "just fly, you know?"

Aww. A touching faux goodbye to end a helluva first season. Can't wait until next week's reunion special, in which secret drag queen Wendy Williams attempts to rub salt in everyone's wounds. The drama ain't ova yet, poodles.


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