THEY DON'T JUST GIVE THIS SHIT AWAY.... oh.

Welcome back to our countdown of the weirdest suggestions for Valentine's gifts we could find on Dallas Craigslist, counting down today from ten all the way down to number one. There's some really magical crap today, you guys. Without further ado.

See Also: The Weirdest Valentine's Gifts on Dallas Craigslist, #20-11

10 - Free Horse Poo (top of page)

For Valentine's Day? Am I missing something? Is this an ironic pitch that has gone right over my head? What?

9 - A Golf Cart, Apparently

It's not even made for couples. Maybe swingers.

"WITH COLORED RIBBON AROUND IT" just so your partner is sure it's a Valentine's gift. If you're a golf-mad guy and you're getting this for your wife, it should probably come with a card that says "Be My Caddy.... FOREVER."

8 - A Disgustingly Rude Squirrel

Nuts. For you.

If I got this for Valentine's Day I would probably laugh for about six million years at the innuendo on the acorn.

7 - Nigerian Dwarf Baby Goats

With the eyes of Satan.

"Dear City-Dwelling Partner - Happy Valentine's! Here is a Nigerian Dwarf Baby Goat. Love you always."

*****

6 - A Valentine's Note From A Lady on Craigslist

Why. Why would anyone do this.

Yes. It's the lyrics to a Foreigner song, re-written to be thematic with Valentine's Day. Of course it is. Not strictly a thing you can buy, but so weird I couldn't not post it.

5 - An Owl That Smells Nice

A gift for "that" Valentine.

It comes to something when the fact they want twenty goddamn dollars for this is the least strange part.

4 - A Fucking Terrifying Painting

THE WHITE HOUSE IS UNDER ATTACK

Where to even begin? The Presidential prayer team? A limited edition of just 1500? What in the name of the baby Jesus is going on here?

3 - An Autographed John Candy Photo

Because you give Candy on Valentine's Day. I ain't even mad.

2 - The Perfect Cowboy Valentine

$279 seems a lot for a model of a quadriplegic cow.

Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm looking at. This is a model cow with no legs, and a hat on. I realize it's for practicing lassoing or whatever, but it's PINK. WHY IS IT PINK.

1 - What?

What?

For our Valentine's Day, my sweet, I've brought you the opportunity to go over to an anonymous person's house, get naked, and be covered in plaster. No, no, don't thank me. There is no need.