Top Ten Reasons Why Dallas Smells So Damn Good

Hey, what's that smell...
Hey, what's that smell...

GQ writer Chandler Burr couldn't quite figure out what composes Dallas' unique olfaction but went ahead and ranked it No. 10 in a world-wide list of good smelling cities yesterday. Burr suggested that our sweet aroma could be a cross-scent of live oaks and hot concrete -- well, I don't agree. Sure, the trees prove a vital foil to the car exhaust, but if that isn't the distinguishing trigger then what does create our city's unique odor chemistry? Hold your nose: We're going in.

Blame it on the "Tortilla Breeze"
Blame it on the "Tortilla Breeze"

Top Ten Reasons why Dallas Smells So Damn Good

1.) Dallas' Magnificent "Tortilla Breeze" Not to be confused with a taco's vicious aftermath, a freshly heated tortilla is more comforting than a pie cooling in a window. With the amount of tortillas consumed in city limits daily, I'm certain it plays a role in the grander aroma. The mythical "tortilla breeze" is subtle like heated grains, and if ihateperfume would go ahead and respond to my letter writing campaign, I'd bathe in it.

2.) LED Halo-Effect Our city is rapidly increasing its amount of LED lighting, from the Omni to the Bridge. Is there a distinguishing odor affiliated with such things? I don't know. But Dallas is turning into the emotionless neon city from Blade Runner, so if Phillip K. Dick ever made a scratch 'n' sniff version of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, we could confirm.

3.) Stetson To all of you old-schoolers out there who still wear the stuff: Keep it up. Our collective nasal palette hinges upon it.

4.) Dirk Nowitzki's Body Odor It smells like a cross between an unfrozen caveman, sausage and victory. Side fact: It's a wildly complementary scent to "Tortilla Breeze."

5.) Margarita Mishaps In Dallas we like to gesture when we talk and we don't want to be inhibited when we laugh, especially when we're drinking on a patio. We just wanna party, man. For that reason there will be some spillage from our giant margaritas. Lime, triple sec and tequila? Smells like a spa treatment.

6.) Ghosts of Brunches Past I have a hypothesis that last weekend's brunching aromas last nearly until next weekend's brunching escapades. The only reason why we don't smell them anymore is because we're too immersed. Case in point: Ever cook bacon? After a while you become immune to the aroma, but just try wearing that shirt again without washing it. That's right, it's swine time.

7.) Pomade Rockabilly roots not only run deep, but they've got lift here in Dallas. When the wind blows between those starched-up locks it does not conquer them, but it does release the world's sexiest smell: classic car exhaust and old leather.

8.) Burgers Burgers Burgers That's it. Pick your favorite. They all smell delicious.

9.) Deep Ellum It smells like a cross between Deep V's and late '90s hold-outs. When those worlds collide it's like combining sweet and savory; Axe Body Spray and three-week dirty laundry; Skrillex and Toadies. I don't know why but this stuff plays off of each other to create the equivalent of a mescaline-laced mixtape. Breathe it in, Dallas. Breathe it in.

10.) Old Money This is a Princess and the Pea type of scent, meaning if you weren't born to it, you won't smell it. I've been told it has whispers of fig blossoms, truffle oil and really, really old fur coats. Delightful.

What do you think Dallas smells like? What patches add to our odor quilt? Let us know in the comments.

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