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2006 Stories by Michelle Mathews

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  • Nutrition Pointes

    published December 21, 2006

    While breakfast with a ballerina might have appealed to me as a plump, naïve child, as a zaftig, world-wise woman, it terrifies me. I like to... More >>

  • Fatty Claus

    published December 14, 2006

    While scads of famous chiseled cheekbones grin from the weight loss section of your local bookstore, there's one super-celebrity who refuses to... More >>

  • Sit Down and Watch

    published December 7, 2006

    One design student's much-blogged-about tattoo sleeve, by artist Nick Baxter, features not pinup girls, but chairs. That's... More >>

  • Come to Jesus

    published November 16, 2006

    Between coordinating a playgroup for aborted fetuses, running quality control on natural disasters and being slowly devoured through the magic of... More >>

  • I Heart Hermits

    published November 9, 2006

    While other girls my age were mooning over the two Coreys and wearing New Kids on the Block buttons as large as a salad plate, I quietly crushed... More >>

  • Quixote Sings

    published October 5, 2006

    Modern spinmeisters covet the talents of someone such as Alonso Quijana, the chivalrous but insane protagonist of Miguel de Cervantes' Don... More >>

  • Chuck's Children

    published September 7, 2006

    In the early '70s, crowds flocked to see Enter the Dragon, and all of a sudden, everybody was kung-fu fighting. While Bruce Lee has... More >>

  • Hydraulics At Work

    published August 31, 2006

    Living the sheltered suburban life that we do, it's sometimes hard to relate to "urban" music. Take, for example, the band WAR. One may... More >>

  • Road Trippin'

    published August 17, 2006

    Nothing says summer like the sound of an approaching ice-cream truck, the laughter of children splashing in front-lawn sprinklers and the sight of... More >>

  • Three Planets Away

    published August 10, 2006

    The moral of the Daedalus and Icarus myth seems uninspiring at best: "Aim too high, you'll get burned. Too low, you'll get dragged down. Shoot for... More >>

  • Divine Veto

    published August 3, 2006

    When it comes to dead presidents, it's not always all about the Benjamins—or even the Grants or the Jacksons. And for once... More >>

  • Pampered

    published July 27, 2006

    Just think about all the reasons you deserve to be polished and pampered and treated like a queen (or king): You unloaded the dishwasher, you... More >>

  • Sucker Punch

    published July 6, 2006

    One of the few things that we remember from all those "self-defense for women" courses is the GTP—grab, twist and pull. And if our male... More >>

  • Give 'Em the Boot

    published June 22, 2006

    "Attention! You thought the trip down the humid, bloody birth canal was hell? You ain't even felt terror yet! While at boot camp, your... More >>

  • Like Clockwork

    published June 8, 2006

    Come midnight, no surprise if you feel a bit "shagged and fagged and fashed," thinking that bedways is rightways and it'd be bezoomny to not grub... More >>

  • Shark Bait

    published May 25, 2006

    It's easy to feed a shark. Take him out for the best Peking duck in town, follow with a trip to a strip joint where you buy him two lap dances and... More >>

  • Lost in Translation

    published May 25, 2006

    Somewhere along the line, someone decided that many of Agatha Christie's British novel titles were "inappropriate" for American audiences. Thus,... More >>

  • Four-Part History

    published May 18, 2006

    Napoleon Bonaparte has inspired some extraordinary creations: a great palindrome ("Able was I ere I saw Elba"), a great song (ABBA's "Waterloo")... More >>

  • Clean Sweep

    published May 18, 2006

    One of the few reasons to have kids is to have somebody to clean out the garage. There's nothing we would rather not do on a lazy Saturday than... More >>

  • Memoirs of a Culture

    published May 11, 2006

    Women hesitant to enter the workforce should heed Missy Elliot's sage advice: "Girls, girls, get that cash/If it’s 9 to 5 or shakin' ya ass."... More >>

  • This Stinks!

    published May 4, 2006

    From time to time, we've all had B.O. problems: Maybe you were the kid who never showered after gym class or the guy in the dorm who wore the same... More >>

  • Can't You See?

    published April 13, 2006

    There's a myth floating around that humans only use 10 percent of our brains. (Personally, I have allocated about 3 percent to daily use while the... More >>

  • Tig Ol' Bitties

    published March 30, 2006

    Funbags just ain't that fun when they're size F. Sure, they bounce seductively and create come-hither cleavage. But I'm talking to the ladies who... More >>

  • Faux Sure

    published March 16, 2006

    When you're driving a toothpaste-green, held-together-with-wire Geo to your minimum-wage job, a rhinestone brooch or fancy "diamond" ring can add... More >>

  • Attack of the Toadies

    published March 9, 2006

    The dating scene can be a real swamp. At every watering hole, endless numbers of snakes and rats lie in wait for their prey, and a girl can only... More >>

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