Charlie Sheen at AAC: My Top 10 Observer-ations

Not exactly a sellout at Sheen's supposed 8 p.m. kickoff
Not exactly a sellout at Sheen's supposed 8 p.m. kickoff

5. Dumbest moment of the night: Sheen, wearing a CBS -- "Can't Beat Sheen" -- T-shirt, bragged that "I got fired because I told my boss to fuck off." Inexplicably, the crowd cheered. Some stood and cheered. Yeah, 'cuz nobody's gonna pay me $2 million an episode for a TV show and expect me to act civilized! Down with the man!

4. During one segment audience members were allowed on stage to ask Sheen for advice. Failure. Every woman was serenaded by "show your tits!" and the only intriguing question was from a dude who posed "How could I get (Poison guitarist) C.C. DeVille to be my roommate?" Bizarre. Even stranger, Sheen provided no answer to the quandary.

3. I didn't watch HBO's Oz enough to know who Chuck Zito is supposed to be, but I know this: The guy can barely read. When he roasted Sheen via stumbling script it was embarrassing. Not for Sheen. But for literacy. Zito's best line? "Charlie, your liver is probably smaller and blacker than Barry Bonds' nut sack."

2. Funniest moment of the night was a video spoof of Sheen's 20/20 interview on ABC. In the edited version, interviewer Andrea Canning repeatedly asks Sheen a version of "When was the last time you used drugs?" to which Sheen is shown with multiplying cigarettes in his mouth, nose and ears. Finally, Canning's repititive inquiry is answered simply by a giant cigarette smoldering alone in the opposite chair. Giggle.

1. In the final autopsy of Sheen's performance, I pronounce it not particularly funny or entertaining or even crazy. Almost sad. Almost. I talked to some people who hung out with Charlie before and after his show and he's not happy in general or satisfied in specific with the tour. One of my buddies who went backstage for a meet-n-greet said Sheen showered him with "I'm sorry" apologies for the lame event. And what struck me was an unintentionally poignant moment near the end of the show. Camouflaged by his "Warlock" and "Adonis DNA" and "Tiger's Blood" and all the "Winning," Sheen admitted he's currently a -- gasp -- loser. Talking about his past glory, fame and fortune, Sheen sneaked in "But I'm going to get it all back." That's not winning. That's the hope of someday not losing.

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