Dear Miami, We Hate You. And Your Sports. Love, Dallas
Miami has Colin Farrel's lame mustache. We have shirtless Matthew Mcconaughey.
Recently our brotherly blog down here in Miami concocted a list of reasons why Miami is a better city than Dallas.
Same ol', lame-o stuff. Calling us fat and redneck and boasting that "nobody's ever killed a sitting president in Miami." Yawn.
Wait, it also says we're adjacent to a desert. That's a new one, actually. So is referring to the NBA championship as a "national title" and Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavericks as "a shaggy, horse-toothed German and his band of merry pranksters."
Well, allow us to retort.
Last time I checked our state's best baseball team kicked your state's best baseball team's ass: In last year's ALDS and, yep, again last night via Rangers 11, Rays 5.
Yep, there's more ...
3. Your basketball arena is named after American Airlines. Based in Fort Worth. Suck it.
4. Make fun of Dirk and his impressive resume void of a championship again and I'll bring up Dan Marino. Check. Mate.
Let us all remember how Dan Marino was in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
5. More humidity.
6. Face most associated with your city these days: That creepy, dramatic-talking redhead on CSI: Miami.
Worst. Show. Ever.
7. Don't think we've forgotten about Miami Sound Machine.
8. Or Elian Gonzalez.
9. Remember the last time the Dolphins won a Super Bowl? Me neither. Oh, wait, it was waaaay back when Don Shula still coached, Richard Nixon was our President and a gallon of gas cost 40 cents.
10. Super Bowl VI. Cowboys 24, Dolphins 3. Ring a bell?
Roger 'Effin Staubach.
11. Speaking of the Dolphins, I can't quite keep up with your football stadium's name. Is it the Orange Bowl or Joe Robbie or Pro Player or Land Shark or Dolph ... oh, forget it.
12. Dallas > Miami Vice. Larry Hagman >> Don Johnson.
13. You gave us Jimmy Johnson and Michael Irvin and Russell Maryland. We sent you Tony Sparano and Anthony Fasano. We win.
14. When your Marlins won the World Series, they did it with a former Texas pitcher in '97 (Kevin Brown) and the greatest Ranger ever in '03 (Pudge Rodriguez.) You're welcome.
15. When the Mavs clinched the West over OKC, we were happy. When you clinched the East you acted like ... this? We've enjoyed highs and endured lows with Dirk and Jason Terry and Mark Cuban for a dozen years. You guys haven't even bled for the Heat a dozen months.
16. But what else should we expect from a city and team that all season has tried to climax before the foreplay. July 9, 2010, anyone?
17. Even more humidity.
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