Girls 61, Boys 44
Mike Rhyner actually drained this 3-pointer. The rest of Team Ticket's night was considerably suckier.
One player wore low-top running shoes and - duh - sprained his ankle. A guy in only a diaper was escorted out by security. And, in the end, the teen-aged girls reduced the middle-aged men to a hapless puddle of fart-and-fall-down.
In other words, The Ticket's game against a group of Lake Highlands High School basketball players was everything we expected. In the most significant Battle of the Sexes since that poignant night in the Astrodome, Billie Jean King again kicked Bobby Riggs' ass.
Click here for our slideshow of all the gory details.
After leading by seven at halftime Team Ticket woefully wilted in last night's second half against LH, getting outscored 27-10 in the fourth quarter of an embarrassing 61-44 loss at SMU's Moody Coliseum. In the wake of Dallas Academy's historic 100-0 loss earlier this season, members of The Ticket boasted that it could beat a girls high school team.
But on the cusp of the 25th anniversary of Moody Madness, Team Ticket's crazy theory was bludgeoned to a pulp.
After seizing a 21-14 halftime lead, Team Ticket proved not only that white men can't jump, they struggle even more to get back on defense.
"It was a bad combination of age and gas," said The Ticket's Donovan Lewis. "They kicked our butts."
A thoroughly entertained crowd of about 2,000 braved yesterday's thunderstorms to see if experience could trump exhuberance. So what did the The Ticket hosts have to offer?
Acknowledging that the game was worth every penny, let's jump for some grades ...
Corby Davidson - F: Showed some early skill, but also an inexplicable lack of foresight in wearing jogging shoes to a basketball game. He left in the second quarter after badly spraining his right ankle. "I rolled my ankle," Corby joked, "and now I have AIDS."
Michael Gruber - D: After energizing the building by donning a Superman cape in pre-game warm-ups, he vanished into a non-factor.
Ty Walker - B+: At his best, shades of Zach Randolph. At his worst, he took himself out of the game due to exhaustion.
Mike Rhyner - C: His Bob Cousy set-shot 3-pointer from the left wing prompted the night's biggest ovation. "Soon as it left my hand," he claimed, "I knew it was in." Otherwise, revolting.
George Dunham - D-: Player/Coach contributed about as much as his body double: Tommy Boy.
Bob Sturm - B: You got the sense he was holding back. Or maybe all those turnovers were the best he could do. "It's been a long time," Sturm said. "I suck. I really, really suck."
Danny Balis - A: He looked like a reject from The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, but made a couple Kevin McHale-ish post moves and cracked the crowd up by calling his own fouls.
Tom Gribble - F: His first three shots drew nothing but hardwood.
Craig Miller - D: A couple nice turnaround jumpers were off-set by getting his shit stuffed by a girl.
Donovan Lewis - A: Team Ticket's best player showed range, touch and mercy.
Dan McDowell - D: His flying layup was eventually diluted by his final act: Mis-timing his jump for a pass, barely deflecting the ball and, ultimately, awkwardly crashing to the court in a helpless heap of fatigue and fuck it.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Observer's biggest stories.