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Mission Matrimonial
Mark Andresen

Mission Matrimonial

Good morning, agent. Your mission--should you choose to accept it--is to infiltrate the ranks of the Sacred Order of Brides. It is your task to learn what drives a frugal woman--a woman who clips coupons and only shops sales--to purchase a $7,000 dress that she will wear for three hours. With your extensive training in linguistics, you should be able to move undetectably and speak fluently with those you encounter, including florists, caterers, photographers and other natives. You will be unarmed, but you must be prepared to show at any time the recognized badge of the order: the engagement ring. A secret handshake of sorts--performed by extending your perfectly manicured left hand toward any inquisitors and fawning over your ring--should secure your entrance to any of their gatherings.

We have gained intelligence suggesting that many of the members will be convening at Le Classique Bridal Fashion Extravaganza & Exposition on Sunday at NextStage. According to intercepted transmissions, brides will engage in "a full day of nonstop networking with bridal professionals" and an informative seminar on "How to Restore Your Individual Credit to Enhance Your Credit Life Together." We believe a drawing will also take place for prizes such as one year of free rent, a honeymoon cash pot and the chance to have your wedding ceremony performed live at an upcoming bridal show. A fashion show featuring bridal attire, makeup, coiffures and tuxedos is scheduled for 2:30 p.m. The extravaganza will culminate in the celebration of the order's most honored ritual--an actual wedding. Wendy Schofield, of KRNB's The MatchMaker, will wed her "Match Made in Heaven" at the conclusion of the fashion show. The ceremony will be conducted by Bishop David E. Martin of Gospel Tabernacle Church and Judge Mablean Ephraim of the popular television show Divorce Court. (As a humorless government agency, we will not comment on the irony of this.)

This mission requires the utmost skill and tact. If you should be captured or killed while leaping for a bouquet, the agency will disavow all knowledge of your actions. Good luck.


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