Monster Riffage

Kids in rock bands these days can't play guitar worth shit. It was bad enough in the nineties, when they started covering their guitars with bumper stickers and duct-taping the straps on, like they didn't care about the finish. But now they don't even learn how to play. I saw this chick on TV doing all this finger-tapping bullshit, and her fret hand was upside down. Do they not even learn how to hold them anymore? And then there are all these bands that switch instruments every song like they've got ADD. Joe Satriani wouldn't have become the world's greatest guitarist if he had to play the damn glockenspiel or zither or whatever on half his songs. Thank God the 31st Annual Dallas International Guitar Festival and MusicFest is coming up. I can finally hear cats that know how to play, like Andy Timmons, Rick Derringer and Yngwie Malmsteen, along with thousands of dudes shredding on "Eruption." The fest is noon to 7 p.m. Friday, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. Saturday and 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Sunday at Dallas Market Hall, 2200 Stemmons Freeway. Tickets start at $20 per day for axe-slingers 11 and over, with VIP passes and multiple-day discounts available. Visit
Fri., April 18, 12-7 p.m.; Sat., April 19, 10 a.m.-7 p.m.; Sun., April 20, 10 a.m.-6 p.m., 2008

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