ĦAsk a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

published: May 25, 2006

Dear Mexican,
Why do you portray Mexicans as liberals when the majority are conservative?
--Jorge P. Bush Dear Half-Wab,
Week in and week out, "Ask a Mexican!" portrays Mexicans as perfect Republicans: homo-hating, Jew-baiting, Negro-bashing, chino-trashing religious fanatics who believe in free markets, self-determination and want to wipe Guatemalans off the map. Various polls identify this Mexican GOP gene. The most comprehensive, a 2003 survey by the Pew Hispanic Center, found 80 percent of Latinos disapprove of abortion, 40 percent think divorce is unacceptable and 72 percent hate gays (by comparison, 60, 24 and 59 percent of gabachos felt the same regarding each respective topic). But even the most Neanderthal Mexican becomes a Democrat once Republicans start babbling about immigration restrictions. See, Mexicans support open borders not because they want to take back the Southwest but because they're students of American history. They know that los Estados Unidos exploits wave after wave of immigrants and that these immigrants willingly suffer through the toil with the understanding America will allow their children a chance at better lives, a chance at becoming Americans. Stop Mexican immigration, and the children of Mexican immigrants remain Mexicans--and what Mexican in his right mind wants that?

Dear Mexican,
Bored one night a few days ago, I was flipping channels and noticed for the first time that Mexicans are obsessed with dwarves--as guests on talk shows, as crime-fighting little superheroes and always, always chasing women whose breasts are as big as the dwarves. Que pasa?
--El Gabacho Gigante

Dear Gabacho,
Enanos dominated the imaginations of Mexicans before Mexico existed. Both the Aztecs and Mayans associated little people with rain gods, while the Olmecs believed they held up the sky, according to authors Mary Miller and Karl Taube in 2004's An Illustrated Dictionary of the Gods and Symbols of Ancient Mexico and the Maya. "At the time of the Spanish Conquest," the two write, "Moctezuma...kept a troop of dwarves to entertain him and sometimes to advise him on matters of state and religion." The ancients also thought enanos were human manifestations of the Trickster, which explains their continued role as the id of Mexican society. Mexicans adore little gente, especially in movies: After all, wouldn't you love to wield guns, leap across wrestling rings, imitate celebrities, and pinch a buxom woman on the nalga cheek and have the spicy chica turn the other one?

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!