Finding a soulmate is difficult, especially in 2015. Marilyn Monroe or Hepburn, or some famous female of the 20th century once said, "I don't mind approaching guys, just as long as I can be a woman approaching guys." So true. It's hard to be single out there. People are way too self-centered. Everyone is all, 'Look how many likes my selfie got,' instead of, 'Look how many likes my significant other's selfie got!' If you're looking to share those special moments with someone, then we have the perfect guide for you. Here are places to pick up women and men (depending on preference). We tested none of this, so good luck. Don't sue us.
Where to pick up men Keller's Keller's is great because you can either eat inside your car or outside your car depending on your stance on day-old milkshakes becoming forever-old brown globs of floorboard decoration. Oh, and Keller's is also great because there are so many dudes there. Dudes everywhere. Dudes to your right. Dudes to your left. These dudes love hamburgers and motorcycles. We know this because we aren't blind. We can literally see the motorcycles and the sesame seeds from their hamburgers stuck between their teeth when they sheepishly smile at us. Uber to Keller's because you're going home on a motorcycle.
Church There's nothing like God's home -- and we're not talking AT&T Cowboys Stadium (this joke -- so good). Women go there looking for their Boaz (Bible jokes are great) and men just need to find their Ruth (again, they don't stop). This is why it's important for you to head to church on Sunday morning in your floral dress and cardigan. Don't bring your Bible because, like, it's 2015 and you have the app. Just remember: One hand up during worship says, "I'm a nice girl who loves Jesus" and two hands up says, "I'm insane like Jezebel" (last joke, we swear). Don't be insane. Be a one-hand girl.
Truck Yard Nothing says, "I'm available" like waiting in line to buy greasy food from a truck while shouting over the loud-ass music that plays in the background. No matter the weather, Truck Yard is a great place for romance. When it's cold, you're all bundled up and snuggly -- like that teddy bear from the toilet paper commercial. And when it's hot, you're all hot -- like those girls from the razor commercials. Either way, you're effing precious. But take it a notch higher on the precious scale and bring a dog. Any dog. Your dog, your neighbor's dog, a cat dressed like a dog. Just do it. Guys love bitches with bitches.
IKEA Why would you buy your furniture when you could buy pieces of cheap wood and put them together until you have built something resembling a desk? These are questions we don't have time to answer. All you need to know is there are, like, a million other dudes who think exactly like you. EXACTLY. And the best part is IKEA is a maze. A romantic maze. Get lost in his eyes or the shower curtains -- whatever.
Where to pick up women
Alamo Drafthouse Singalongs You will never see a straight dude at Alamo Drafthouse on Beyonce singalong night. But you will find groups of five or more chicks having the absolute time of their lives. And the only thing they love more than drunkenly singing "Crazy In Love" is drunkenly singing "Crazy In Love" with a dude. Be the Jay Z to her Beyonce. You will have zero competition and plus, you will get to see Bey in her famous leotard singing "Single Ladies."
Sushi Axiom We're pretty sure the slogan was, "Every kiss begins with raw fish," but they had to change it for branding reasons. But there are just some simple truths in life. Texas is hot, Dallas is pretentious and women love California rolls. They just do. Women travel in packs to sushi places, more specifically Sushi Axiom off Henderson.
Dallas Museum of Art Half of the time women aren't even interested in the art they are looking straight at. They just want to appear cultured and knowledgeable of the art surrounding them, so that's why it's a perfect time to sweep in and say something charming, like, "Do you come here often," or "What are you doing after this," or "Can I add you on Facebook?" Just spit out words and see what happens.
Mercy Wine Bar Guys, sometimes it's just, like, so easy, it's scary. Mercy Wine Bar in Addison has so many chicks at all times. They're just sitting there, sipping on red wine, talking about office politics with friends who aren't even co-workers. If they hiss when you approach them, don't back away. It's just a guy has literally never been inside Mercy Wine Bar, so it's best to approach them like a lion in the wild. The wine is her baby cub, or something.
