BREAKING: A Sweet, Cuddly List of 20 Things John Tesar Loves (That Aren't Himself)

John Tesar (executive chef at Knife and possible lover of steak gordita supremes) is getting some fresh press for hating on things in an interview with Playboy, but we'd like to show everyone the softer side of Tesar. So, instead of re-quoting all the things he's already said that are entertainingly...

By Alice Laussade

December 30, 2015

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John Tesar (executive chef at Knife and possible lover of steak gordita supremes) is getting some fresh press for hating on things in an interview with Playboy, but we'd like to show everyone the softer side of Tesar. So, instead of re-quoting all the things he's already said that are entertainingly inflammatory and making a list of all the best things he said in an interview someone else did with him, we decided to delve deeper. We sought to find the teddy-bear center of this smack-talking quotebag and asked Tesar some questions about the things he truly loves most in this world.

The rules: We gave him two options to choose from, and he was asked to choose which thing of the two he loves most.

Welcome to A List of 20 Things Tesar Loves (That Aren't Himself):

Puppies or kittens?
Puppies

Good press or bad press?
Good press

Yelling or screaming?
Yelling ... But prefer private one-on-one conversations (We can only assume this means private, one-on-one yelling conversations.)

A quiet kitchen or All The Truffles?
A quiet kitchen … Spoon.

Leslie Brenner's insight or Leslie Brenner's wisdom? (Brenner is the restaurant critic for The Dallas Morning News. Tesar once sent her a "fuck you" Tweet after she gave Knife a three-star review.)
Leslie Brenner's insight ... if possible.

Chicken liver mousse or mousse liver chicken?
Chicken liver mousse, but on rye toast.

Funky or fresh?
Fresh ... Just because fresh is fresh. With wine: funky.

Texas BBQ or New York BBQ?
Texas BBQ because except for Billy Durney there is no such thing as NY BBQ ... Ozersky

Neighborhood Services Addison or NHS Bar & Grill?
Neighborhood Services Addison ... Lesser of two mediocres

Whataburger or In N Out?
Whataburger ... It's freaking Texas Goddamnit, not Cali.

Dry-aged or dry-humped?
I like to dry-hump dry-aged stuff occasionally.

New York in the '80s or Waco in the '70s?
NY in the '80s, Waco in the '70s ... wow ... acid in the kitchen

Eric Ripert's dick or David Chang's balls?
Eric's dick with sea salt, olive oil and white burgundy or Chang's balls with a fatty and some clean sake.

Snuggies or pickles?
Pickles because they are the perfect all-time garnish. #spear

Sex or butter?
Sex lol not even close — but sometimes with warm melted butter.

Not winning Top Chef or telling people you meant to not win Top Chef?
Not winning Top Chef ... But loving the idea of not winning and then winning.

Padmé or Padma?
Padma but only in a yellow dress and a thong in the stew room in the bottom three.

High fives or chest bumps?
High fives ... Chest bumps are too dangerous.

Serving Dallasites steak and potatoes or making money off of serving Dallasites steak and potatoes?
Serving Dallas meat and potatoes #givethepeoplewhattheywant ... Never cared about money except to pay my bills.

Christmas or Jesus?
Jesus ... Because he's Jesus

As you can see, John Tesar is just a misunderstood sweetheart filled with rainbow hugs who farts joy. I mean, c'mon. He chose puppies and Jesus. There's a possibility that he's talking trash about puppies and Jesus behind their puppy and Jesus backs because "We smile in your face and then when you leave the room we just talk shit about you," but who can really hold that against him? Puppies pee on the carpet and Jesus is related to that dude who lights bushes on fire with seemingly no consequences.

Here's hoping Tesar starts to get some of that good press he loves some time soon. High fives and no chest bumps.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.

Contact: Alice Laussade