Joe Bob Briggs
Henceforth, herewith and therefrom, we have the final week of Drive-In Academy Award nominations. Yay, saith the Lord, there are too many Hubbies.
If you haven't voted yet, I don't wanna hear about it. Just get to work.
OK, gimme the envelope.
The You've-Made-Too-Many-B-Movies Award
* Adrienne Barbeau, Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats, as "The Queen of Vermin, the Pied Piper's Twisted Sister," who says, "Let us affirm this truth--we are all vermin in the ratholes of the universe."
* Linda Blair, Sorceress, as the wife of a paraplegic who has a suspected mass murderer living in her shed out back, and--oh, yeah--she's a witch, too.
* Joel Grey, The Dangerous, as the crippled, homeless sage who rides around in the trunk of the ninjas' car, reporting on their whereabouts through his cellular phone.
* Dan Hagerty, Abducted II: The Reunion, as the gruff, big-game guide who says, "I'm already dead, son--I died when you died."
* Margot Hemingway, Inner Sanctum II, as the dead husband's money-grubbing, whiskey-voiced business partner.
* Kelly LeBrock, Hard Bounty, as the pistol-toting, wild-West bordello madam who has sex with her clothes on.
* Kitten Natividad, Red Lips, as the jilted lesbo girlfriend.
* Brigitte Nielsen, Compelling Evidence, as the weepy neglected wife (yeah, right) in a designer pantsuit.
* Jan Michael Vincent, Abducted II: The Reunion, as the millionaire poacher of endangered species who hunts from a helicopter, for saying, "Take a couple of loin steaks for tonight--let the wolves have the rest."
* Joey Travolta, To the Limit, as the bereaved widower who has Nam flashbacks to the time when he accidentally killed the granddaughter of a general, which might explain why female ninjas are trying to kill him every five minutes, and why his brother is recruiting hitmen, and why his other brother is sleeping with every showgirl in Vegas and neglecting his weepy wife.
Best Overall Achievement in Gratuitous DeaCR>th
* Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh: Hand hacked off. One barroom brawl, with head through mirror. Multiple hooks through the chest, with spurting gouts. Multiple killer-bee attacks, with facial goo.
* Darkness: Multiple exploding heads. Exploding torsos. Exploding necks. Neck ripped open. Bloodsucking. Walking dead. Chainsaw attack. Neck chewing. Power-drill attack. Stomach gouging.
* Dead Boyz Cant Fly: Mannequin bashing. Death by yo-yo. Nonelective tooth extraction. Dental drilling. The old head-in-the-filing-cabinet torture. Disinfectant in the eyes. Corpse mutilation. CPR with a frayed electrical cord. Bullet through the forehead. Do-it-yourself tourniquet. Throat slicing. Hanging. Thirteen-story swan dive onto the pavement.
* Last Gasp: Achilles-tendon slicing. Primitive blood sacrifice. Virgin slicing. Toltec safari. Flesh chomping. Head stabbing. Power-drill-to-the-groin torture. Heart gouging. Throat ripping. Knife through the hand.
* Mind Ripper: Flesh ripping. Hypodermic spearguns. Eyeball-eating rats. Bloody tooth-tongue brain-burrowing. Foot chewing. Ear ripping. Spike through the neck. Brain eating. Tongue sawing. Gratuitous maggots.
* No Contest: Three exploding cars. Exploding beauty contestant, with crash and burn. Groin shooting. Knife throwing. Steam face-scalding. Eye gouging. Steel spike through the body. Icebag face-bashing. High-rise swan dive. Throat cutting. Automatic-weapons Jamboree. Kung fu. Head-butt fu.
* Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Neck breaking. Sledgehammer to the head. Bimbo on a meat hook. Stuffed state trooper. Woman on fire. Face licking. Head stomping. Four motor-vehicle chases, with four crashes. Evil stepfather fu. Meat-locker fu.
* Michelle Bauer, Hellroller: "I do it with men, not apes! Why don't you get yourself a rubber doll?"
* Sandahl Bergman, Inner Sanctum II: "I don't feel like being pleasant!"
* Lissa Boyle, Friend of the Family: "You're just a second wife--a seconCR>d-rate wife!"
* James Brolin, The Expert: "We all have a dark place, and I don't like to visit mine, but I will if I have to."
* Susan Byun, Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.: "Remove yourself from my body, filthy oaf!"
* Andrew Dice Clay, No Contest: "I don't understand. I kill several innocent people, threaten to blow up a building, and the police still don't take me seriously."
* Brad Friedman, Dead Boyz Cant Fly: "I'm a sociopath, lady."
* Rick Gianasi, Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.: "I was depressed, I was confused, and I was turning Japanese."
* John Laughlin, Nightfire: "Whoops! Gwen's strap broke!"
* Kelly LeBrock, Hard Bounty: "If you're gonna treat me like a whore, you're gonna pay me like a whore."
* Michael McGaharn, Blondes Have More Guns: "We were heating up like two poodles in a microwave."
* Joy Palevsky, Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.: "How did you feel when you saw rivulets of blood flowing down his beautiful kabuki costume?"
* Raelynn Saalman, Friend of the Family: "Take my dress off."
* Sam Schueler, Married People, Single Sex 2: For Better or Worse: "Sorry, Dave, you can't have an orgy by yourself--it's one of the rules."
* Andren Scott, The Hitler Tapes: "Yes, Mr. Mandick. No, I didn't come in for work. See, I was shot in the head recently by a call girl. Yes, I'm feeling much better. I'm fired? OK, thank you very much."
* Steen, Turnaround: "But soon these roots and herbs will live again in me, living to shape my desire, filling my heart, my soul, and my mound of Venus."
* Shannon Tweed, Nightfire: "Affection is one thing--licking each other in public is another matter."
* Karen Zaczkowski, The Hitler Tapes: "I'm in no mood to have my breasts pawed at."
* Denis Adam Zervos, Romeo: Love Master of the Wild Women's Dorm: "No way am I wearing weird Minoan underwear."
Send those ballots in immediately, especially if you intend to show up for the actual Hubbie ceremonies at Paul's Lamplighter in Kokomo, Ind.
Send 'em to me, Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221. You can also fax them to (213) 462-5982, or e-mail them to email@example.com.
1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features)
Get the Film & TV Newsletter
Stay up to date on the best new movies with our critics' latest reviews, interviews and trailers for the films coming to a theater near you each week.