Joe Bob Briggs
Vida Stegall threw all my stuff out on the lawn last week and refused to gimme my dog back just because I failed to mention I was having the occasional date with Cherry Dilday.
It's one of those woman things. They just never understand that men forget stuff. I just forgot I was doing that.
Actually, I prob'ly should have come up with something better than "I forgot," but she didn't warn me. The stuff was already out on the lawn when I drove up, and believe you me there's nothing more irritating than seeing your underwear draped over a tricycle when you're trying to concentrate.
You know what I'm gonna do in the future? I'm gonna keep all my personal possessions in the car. That's where they eventually end up anyway, right?
The last thing I need is to be walking around the Lake Grapevine Trailer Courts picking up Dutch Masters boxes when I could be dealing with my post-relationship grief in a constructive manner.
Here, let's give it a shot:
I miss her.
I want her.
I can't live without her.
And you know why?
Because she dumped me.
There. Now I feel better. Now I can move on to a more mature relationship with a woman who is future ex-wife material.
In fact, I met this nekkid-oil-rassler in Santa Rosa who is one of the most spiritual women I've ever known.
Unfortunately, Vida Stegall put my jeans through the laundromat with the phone number still in the pocket. You see how this woman sabotaged my life and threatened my sanity?
Plus, I had about 25 cans of 10W-40 motor oil stacked up in Vida's kitchen, and for some reason she did not throw them out on the lawn. The woman is pure-dee meanness.
Anyhow, one thing that'll always put you in a better mood is a Virtual Reality sci-fi prison-island flick featuring Morgan Fairchild and Joel Grey in quirky little bit parts.
Of course, you know what I'm talking about now. It's Venus Rising, starring the pouty Audie England as a girl who's raised in a corporate prison but breaks out one day and finds out that the prison has been abandoned and the island she's on has been turned into a resort.
That's the good news. The bad news is she's being hunted down by a twentysomething convict and her smelly ex-boyfriend.
So, of course, we all know what she does. She has sex for money, murders a couple of sleazeballs, moves in with a lesbian, and works in Morgan Fairchild's bar by day while doing virtual-reality fantasies in a train full of S&M people by night.
Then she starts having all these flashbacks to how her dad was killed in prison and her mom's throat was slashed, and she...I don't remember exactly what she does.
This is one of those flicks where you're constantly going, "Huh? What just happened there?" and, "Who was that guy? Was he the same guy from the beginning?" and, "Now why did she kill him?"
The movie looks great, but they forgot to use that pesky script.
It's the only thing missing.
Otherwise, great flick.
Nine dead bodies. Three breasts. Head-bashing.
Green-goo asphyxiation. Stabbing. Cleaver to the throat.
Lead pipe through the skull. Multiple aardvarking. Fisticuffs.
Drive-in Academy Award nominations for...
* Ivory Ocean, as the meanie warden who says, "I want this mess cleaned up," and, "I want him dead within 24 hours."
* Meredith Salenger, as the Lesbo Samaritan who says, "Do you wanna keep me company?" right before she jumps off a cliff for no reason.
* Audie England, as the bimbo-in-peril, who says, "I wanna look like Venus."
* Joel Grey, as the computer-nerd roommate, for making his 300th B movie of the year.
* Costas Mandylor, as the creepy fellow escapee who says, "I thought you were dead," when he's not murdering street scum.
* Billy Wirth, as the hunky bounty hunter who tells Venus, "I kill people--I kill people for money."
* And Morgan Fairchild, for having nothing to do in the movie and doing it well.
Joe Bob says check it out.
Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's crown-cracker comes from...Mike Levin of Hong Kong:
"I'm trying to recall the name of a B science-fiction flick featuring Cybill Shepherd. I saw it in 1982, but it must have been made in the early '70s.
"It's about aliens on Earth who are stealing livestock to send back to their planet, which is obviously starved for meat.
"The flesh is funnelled through a spiral vortex, which resembles a lava lamp, in a cave near Cybill's home.
"For some reason the aliens start adding human parts to the shipments (big surprise), and poor Cybill stumbles on this, exclaiming, in the movie's most unforgettable scene, 'Hey, that's Eddie Caber's arm!'
"It haunts me to this day. Any help in recovering the name of this film would be greatly appreciated, although I'm sure Cybill would rather never hear about it again."
A video will be awarded for the correct answer. (The winner chooses from our library of titles.) In the event of a tie, a drawing will be held.
We don't have a winner!
Kurt Kuhlmann of Hillsborough, North Carolina, wrote:
"This probably isn't a hard one, but it's been bugging me for a long time.
"The movie I'm looking for is a zombie movie, comedy-horror variety, not one of the big ones like Night of the Living Dead.
"The only scene I remember is this: Zombies are inside a fast-food restaurant, killing and/or eating everyone inside.
"A car pulls up to the drive-through window. A zombie looks out at the horrified couple in the car and intones, 'We...are...closed...now,' in his best zombie voice and slams the metal shutter down.
"Is that enough to go on?"
We had zero correct answers, but will still award a video to late entries.
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221, or fax him at (213) 462-5982. Joe Bob even hangs out on the Internet: email@example.com.
1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features)
Get the Film & TV Newsletter
Stay up to date on the best new movies with our critics' latest reviews, interviews and trailers for the films coming to a theater near you each week.