Here it is, the review you've all been waiting for, the one in which Joe Bob compares Striptease (estimated budget, 40 million bucks) to Stripteaser (estimated budget, 40 bucks).
Guess which one's better.
You already know, don't ya?
Striptease stars Demi Moore, who received $12.5 million for her performance and spends about one full minute nekkid.
Stripteaser stars Maria Ford, who received $20,000 for her performance and spends about 10 full minutes nekkid.
The other strippers in Striptease are some very mediocre-lookin' babes. This is the best they could do?
The other strippers in Stripteaser are hot.
Demi Moore can't dance. She does those dramatic spin-on-your-heel, dangle-off-the-pole dealies, but she never really gets into it. She looks like a gal who's watching herself dance.
Maria Ford, on the other hand, gets nasty. The lady knows what high heels were made for.
The supporting star in Striptease is Burt Reynolds, who is so cartoony as the horny U.S. congressman that you start to feel icky every time he comes on the screen.
The supporting star in Stripteaser is Rick Dean, who plays a creepy, brain-damaged, suicidal, gun-toting pervert psycho like he really needs to be a maniac. Somebody please give him the $12.5 million.
And another thing about Striptease. Lemme get this plot straight. Demi Moore gets fired from her job as a secretary at the FBI, loses custody of her daughter to a major sleazeball thief redneck, and decides her only choice is to dance nekkid for a living until she can kidnap the kid and then get a series of high-paid private dance jobs for creeps until she can give the kid the healthy nurturing home life the daughter deserves, because, "Not having her around, it's like my heart is missing."
And Demi uses her own kid in the movie. Like, her real-life kid. Can we spell "therapy"?
The plot of Stripteaser, on the other hand, is that a psycho creep pretending to be a blind man comes into a strip club at closing time one night, holds everyone hostage, and proceeds to strip away their delusions while telling his life story and forcing everyone to do incredibly degrading things for his twisted amusement. Now that is a plot.
OK, let's see how they match up.
Dead bodies: Striptease, two. Stripteaser, 10.
Nekkid breasts: Striptease, 26. Stripteaser, 18. (A little misleading, since some of those are half-second exposures.)
Aardvarking: Striptease, nada. Stripteaser, yes.
Drooling, panting bar patrons: Striptease, 40 jillion. Stripteaser, one. (Have these people never been inside a topless bar? Nobody really drools like this.)
Beatings: Striptease, four. Stripteaser, three.
Cockroach-eating: Striptease, one. Stripteaser, nada.
Lint-sniffing, with Vaseline (don't ask): Striptease, one. (Shame on you, Burt.) Stripteaser, none.
Nails through the hands: Striptease, nada. Stripteaser, one.
Actual topless routines: Striptease, four (including Demi dancing while brushing her teeth, a la Flashdance). Stripteaser, five.
Dancers who work with snakes: Striptease, one. Stripteaser, zero. (Don't you just hate that?)
Dialogue: "They're filth--exploiters of the poor"--Striptease.
"Give me the names of the guys right now or I'm gonna take a blowtorch to your elbow"--Stripteaser.
Drive-In Academy Award nomination for...
* Rick Dean, as the psycho in Stripteaser who says, "I'm directing this piece--you can direct the Pinter play next semester."
Striptease, one star.
Stripteaser, four stars.
The choice is yours.
Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's cortex conundrum comes from...Keren Schlomy of Arlington, Massachusetts:
"Many years ago (15-20?), a bunch of us campers were treated to a film that centered around a wax museum. I think it was in black-and-white.
"Anyway, the proprietor of the place got his lifelike models from, of course, live victims, who were put through a wax machine.
"Given their horror-stricken faces as they were tied down and sprayed all over with hot wax, it must have taken the proprietor loads of work to get the serene 'after' look they all had.
"One day this woman's friend disappears and turns up in an exhibit, so she goes on a quest to find out what is really going on.
"I could be wrong on some of the details, but the wax machine will stay with me forever."
A video will be awarded for the correct answer. (The winner chooses from our library of titles.) In the event of a tie, a drawing will be held. Send "Find That Flick" questions and solutions to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221. You can also fax them to (213) 462-5982 or e-mail them to Joe Bob on the Internet: email@example.com. (E-mail entries must include a postal mailing address.)
We have a winner!
On April 14, David Walker of Chicago wrote:
"A few years ago I saw this supposed thriller about a serial killer.
"The killer was a Vietnam vet who went crazy and started killing prostitutes to gain bulletproof power--which he evidently had, judging by how many bullets he absorbed from the police.
"The lead detective was an alcoholic, as always. And, of course, his girlfriend was a potential victim.
"A female detective was killed by the maniac near the end of the film. What's the name of the movie?"
We had six correct answers, so the winner was chosen by drawing. And she is...Ivy Lee of Moncks Corner, South Carolina:
"The movie was The Nightstalker, and it has a warehouse chase in it that reminded me of an earlier 'Find That Flick.'
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"It stars a blonde girl who's now a soap star. She plays a virginal young thang (who's the sister of a hooker who is the girlfriend of the drunk cop).
"Natcherly, this sweet girl in pastels becomes the target of the villain--though up until then he went for hookers."
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221 or fax him at (213) 462-5982. Joe Bob even hangs out on the Internet: firstname.lastname@example.org.
1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features)