I just found out that one of my best friends is a glitter-that-flies-out-of-the-envelope person. She sends out those greeting cards where GLITTER FLIES OUT OF THE ENVELOPE.
I'm reconsidering our whole relationship. Anyhow, who invented this? Who thought this was a good idea? Who had a meeting and said: "I know! Let's put a handful of nonbiodegradable subatomic particles that look like the cheap paint on Christmas ornaments in an envelope and SURPRISE PEOPLE! Come on, it'll be FUN!''
Some of these sadists are so good that, when you open your birthday card, the colored confetti flies right directly up in your FACE. It's considered an especially successful surprise if you spend the next two hours listening to people say, "Is your contact lens bothering you?'' What are you supposed to say? "No, there are pieces of Elton John's SHIRT on my eyeball!''
But like I say, my friend Pam, who I THOUGHT was a normal human bean, turns out to be a glitter-in-the-envelope person. She sent out 460 of those suckers last week. It's like finding out a family member has something in common with the Unabomber. I called her up and said: "The least you could do is tell me to put on a bib and welder's glasses when I open the dang thing. I now have chartreuse love particles lodged in my dog's scrotum.''
"You see, Joe Bob, what a wonderful SURPRISE it was?''
What she doesn't know is that I've been saving all the glitter that comes to me in envelopes. I keep it in a little card-file cross-indexed envelope system, stating just exactly who mailed glitter on which day.
And then, whenever I get the chance, I REDELIVER the glitter in person.
"I wanted to thank you for that sweet card,'' followed by a handful of confetti right directly into the hair. This is especially effective at formal occasions where the hair spray acts as a kind of Super-Glue adhesive element, rendering the target a walking disco ball for the rest of the evening.
And then you can say, "Now wasn't that a SURPRISE?''
And speaking of scoring points on the bimbo meter, I just found this movie called Revenge of the Calendar Girls that pretty much sets the record for gratuitous nekkidity in a horror comedy.
It's the sensitive story of a redneck gas station where male piggies act swinishly, until the night when their girlie calendar comes to life and each bikini-clad model appears to a grease monkey, rips her clothes off, writhes around, gets the guy all heated up, then confronts him with his crimes against women and makes his flesh catch on fire until all that's left is a little pile of Exxon sportswear.
Sure we've seen it before, but have we seen it with wrenches used as phallic weapons? Have we seen it with a guy who makes jokes with a hand-sock puppet? I think not.
Of course, we eventually find out that the calendar girls are part of the secret sisterhood of avenging nude models, but that's not until the last 15 minutes of the flick, after we've seen 'em all buck nekkid in the grease-rack bay.
Obviously my kinda movie.
Eight dead bodies. Fifty-five breasts. Wrench to the skull.
Acid wine bath. Exploding character actors. Strip poker. Strip stand-up comedy.
Gratuitous blow-up party doll. Gratuitous sock-puppet dancing.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for:
*Mark S. Larson, as the fatty who labels his Hostess cupcakes so no one will steal them, for saying "Feed me and fondle me.''
*Ashlie Rhey, last seen as the star of "Bikini Drive-In,'' as the convertible-driving babe clad only in a white neck-ribbon.
*Hajib Entessari, as the crooked tow-truck driver who keeps a personal harem.
*Rodney Strange, as a stranded Weird Al Yankovic lookalike who carries a hand puppet with him everywhere he goes.
*Leigh Betchley, as the Valentine girl who says, "I love the smell of sweat and grease.''
*And Steve Oreste, as the doofus who finds himself surrounded by angry women wielding power tools, talking himself out of danger by saying, "A car is very much like a woman--both need to be taken care of, loved, and serviced regularly.''
Joe Bob says check it out.
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Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's beanie bungler comes from Deb Klinger of Gordon, Pa.: "I'm trying to remember the title of a movie, circa 1980, starring (I thought) Elliot Gould as a bank teller who foils an attempted bank robbery by a villain (Christopher Plummer-type) dressed as Santa Claus. Gould intercepts a note requesting the money prior to the attempted robbery. He then comes up with a master plan to steal the money himself, and he does. There's a really great scene that involves the smashing of a fish tank.
"I thought the title was $. Saw it on HBO many years ago...couldn't seem to find any reference to it when I did a search on Elliot Gould. Wrong actor?''
A video will be awarded to the correct answer. In the event of a tie, a drawing will be held. Send "Find That Flick'' questions and solutions to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221. You can also fax them to 213-462-5982 or e-mail them to Joe Bob on the Internet: firstname.lastname@example.org. (E-mail entries must include a postal mailing address.)
1997 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features)