Joe Bob Briggs
OK, we're into the mopping-up phase now. It's the fifth and final week of the Drive-In Academy Award nominations, and so far we've received a total of 34 ballots--54 if you count inmates.
This is the kind of apathy that led to Nazi Germany.
Nevertheless, we begin with the increasingly popular fringe category...
Best Gross-Out Scene
*Blood & Donuts: Live rat-eating.
*The Death Artist: Tiramisu-spitting.
*The Grave: Prison toilet communications system. (You don't wanna know.)
*Head of the Family: Giant mutant tongue-licking.
*Hourglass: C. Thomas Howell gets warm and fuzzy while whacked out on Ecstasy.
*Making Waves: Water fowl used as an aquatic Greek chorus, accompanied by Jewish talking seals.
*Mother: Olympia Dukakis rubbing blood on her cheeks and REMOVING HER WIG.
*One Night Stand: Plastic-surgery stitch-ripping.
*Polymorph: Close-up razor-blade self-surgery.
*Tracks of a Killer: Hot tongs to the open wound.
*When the Bullet Hits the Bone: The old scalpel-under-the- fingernails torture.
*Blood & Donuts: "There's a place between the living and the dead, and it's open 24 hours."
*Caged Heat 3000: "3,000 Years! 2,000 Women! 1,000 Ways to Punish Them!"
*Mother: "She'll love you to death."
Best Quirky Character Actor
*Richard Belzer, Not of This Earth, as the scuzzy chauffeur who works for alien Michael York.
*Darleen Carr, Piranha, as the crazed, grapple-hook-wielding piranha expert who says: "Razorteeth! They breed! There's no way to stop them!"
*Richard Gabai, Vice Girls, as the nerdy camcorder buff who thinks the story of his life should be a "neurotic thriller."
*Gordon Jennison, Head of the Family, as the thuggish husband who refers to his wife as "Chubby Cheeks."
*C.T. Miller, Lap Dancing, as the blind topless-bar patron and retired acting teacher who can smell people on the street and tell who they are.
*Shadoe Stevens, The Death Artist, as the showy street poet in dark shades, so committed to his art that he instantly forgets everything he says, because "Repetition is death."
*Shelia Traviss, The Death Artist, as the "patron saint of anger" who works with a monkey puppet, raging across the stage in her black leotard for her signature piece, "Who Can Make the Monkey Laugh?"
*Catherine Walsh, Jack-o, as the creepy, prophesying brunette who looks like a witch and tells the monster, "I'm the last of the ones who brought you into this world--now go back to hell!"
Best Kung Fu
*Donny Hair, Hard Way Out, as the straightlaced CIA henchman who engages in a hellacious kung-fu battle to the death with Don the Dragon on the deck of a ship, for excellent fight choreography.
*Cassandra Leigh, Caged Heat 3000, as the feisty prisoner of the future, dressed like a customized Edsel in a thong bikini, who does a little bikini kung fu, nude head-butting, cafeteria-scene food-in-the-face-mashing, and spike-through-the-body lesbo- spearing.
*Joan Severance, Black Scorpion, as the vigilante in leather who deals with pimps and environmental terrorists in her own kickboxing way.
*Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Hard Way Out, as the mild-mannered math teacher who turns out to be a retired CIA killer who's being pursued by an army of Uzi-wielding Guidos.
*Jeff Wincott, When the Bullet Hits the Bone, as a trauma doctor who gets sick of watching drug addicts die in the emergency
room, so he trades in his stethoscope for a couple of really cool handguns and takes on the biggest drug cartel in the world.
*Ariauna Albright, Polymorph, as the feisty redhead who makes conversation around the campfire by saying, "So, how's your weiner?"
*Justin Louis, Blood & Donuts, as the eccentric, dog-loving cabbie who says, "What's, like, your take on heaven?"
*Tane McClure, Lap Dancing, as the hard-bitten, worldly-wise stripper who says, "If I could act, I wouldn't be stripping."
*Garrett Morris, Black Scorpion, as the jive-talkin' stolen-car specialist who saves the day with his custom military computer car.
*Gerald Okamura, Day of the Warrior, as the undercover Elvis-impersonator lounge singer, Elvis Fu, who performs the hit "Bragging On Me."
*Linnea Quigley, Jack-o, as the sexy babysitter who helps a young boy in his battle to the death with a guy who rises up out of the Florida swamps with a giant pumpkin on his head and a nasty-lookin' scythe.
*Tony Todd, Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus, as the tight-lipped black Tonto in a loincloth.
*Holly Dale, Blood & Donuts.
*Frank Laloggia, Mother.
*Michael James MacDonald, The Death Artist.
*Mark Manos, Huntress: Spirit of the Night.
*Robert Talbot, Head of the Family.
*Jonathan Winfrey, Black Scorpion.
*Terence Winkless, Not of This Earth.
*Paul Ziller, Virtual Seduction.
I'm gonna tell you one more time: send me those ballots. Now.
1997 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features)
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Observer's biggest stories.