Joe Bob Briggs
There are many ways to get nookie at a drive-in, and some of them are legal.
But the best way to execute the art of autoerotic suggestion is to pay good money for a flick that has proven to be so irresistible to women that sometimes just the title alone can cause 'em to forget that you're a pervert and prob'ly diseased and dangerous.
So, without any further ado, here are the Best Flicks to Get Nookie By:
*Hundra (1983): The first real feminist exploitation movie, starring Laurene Landon in the title role as the last survivor of an Amazon tribe, determined to journey to the Land of the Bull to preserve her race.
Laurene mounts a steed, grabs a broad-sword, and pillages her way through half of macho Spain accompanied by nothing but her two enormous talents and a cowardly dog named Beast.
Symbolism includes seven or eight lances dramatically broken in half by Hundra, who is finally shackled, tossed into the bull pit, given to a horde of mangy, raving, flesh-eating extras from Barcelona and saved just in time to offer up her virginity to the nearest available Madrid B-movie matinee idol.
*White Star (1985): You might not realize it, but a lot of women have fantasies about Dennis Hopper. They figure, "I can straighten him out, nobody's that scrambled, I know what he needs," and so they love it when Dennis stares into the camera and starts wildly flippin' words out of the commercial blender formerly known as his brain.
This flick, made in Berlin for about 25 bucks, is the best nonstop Dennis Hopper gonzo flip-out monologue ever made.
Dennis plays a rock promoter who used to be the Rolling Stones' tour manager, but now he's bottomed out and all he has to manage is this dimwitted, blond-headed keyboardist. He tries to make him famous by staging a riot in a punk club and hiring somebody to shoot at him while Dennis stands around shouting: "Assassination attempt!"
Your date will never again think you are twisted.
*How to Make a Doll (1968): Of all the flicks by goremaster Herschell Gordon Lewis, this sex farce is the most valuable nookie-expediter for one reason: It gives you the chance to say, "You know what? I think you're much more beautiful than any of the nekkid girls on the screen," and really mean it.
This is the story of a math professor who invents a computer that can synthetically produce android nymphomaniacs in bikinis and then gives the computer a human voyeur's brain.
You see the beauty here? The computer now has a personal stake in the sexual happiness of the inventor. Unfortunately, all of the six or eight androids, including one that I swear is a male actor, look like their silicon(e) chips were intended for a Mexican transistor-radio factory.
*The Hills Have Eyes (1977): Of all the possible cannibal/dead-tourist classics, like The Grim Reaper and Saw, I think this Wes Craven stranded-Winnebago saga is the most terrifying to a female companion because it's the closest the movies have ever come to wasting a baby on screen.
It's one thing to see easygoing Papa Carter get crucified on a burning cactus, but when the nuclear-mutant desert family steals that baby and starts fighting over the dinner portions on their CB radios, girls have been known to vaporize and just leave a little slick spot on the upholstery.
*Billy Jack (1971): Women love it, men despise it.
Tom Laughlin out on Geek Patrol, defending wimp Indians and ugly women in Meskin dresses by kicking the New Mexico white trash into Arizona.
The only reason it works is that Dolores Taylor, Laughlin's co-star and wife--and the reason he has to go up into the mountains and get eaten up by rattlesnakes and come back down and kickbox his way through six or seven bowling teams--is no threat. If Billy Jack will kick butt for that little whiny, sniveling sprout-eating Communist, there's hope for everybody.
*Caged Heat (1974): One of the problems with takin' her to see Private Duty Nurses or Fly Me or any of the nurse or stewardess or bimbos-in-cages flicks is she's gonna think you just wanna see a bunch of jigglin' duffel bags being abused and degraded by jerks like yourself.
Caged Heat is different.
First, the title disguises the fact that this is a great bimbos-in-cages classic.
Second, all the girls triumph over their abusers and bust out of jail, which makes it all right.
And third, it's full of jigglin' feminist duffel bags being abused and degraded by jerks like yourself.
Jonathan Demme is the magician who made this one, which features the rip-away bra queen of the '70s, Barbara Steele.
*The Wild Angels (1966): The movie that proves that just 'cause you ride around on your Hog, refuse to get a job, drink three crates of beer a day, bust up churches, and treat your Old Lady like a piece of dirty laundry doesn't mean you're not a sensitive kind of guy.
Why? Peter Fonda as the leader of the Hell's Angels in this Roger Corman classic. Women love this guy. He can get away with anything, 'cause he looks soooooooo sweet.
Make her think she's Nancy Sinatra, but lose the vinyl boots, OK? I'm not completely crazy.
*Naughty Dallas (1964): For the intellectual date, a drive-in documentary on the Kennedy assassination.
Larry Buchanan, who would later go on to international docudrama superstardom when he directed The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald and Goodbye Norma Jean, started out with this inside look at the life of Jack Ruby.
He hired every stripper who used to work at Ruby's club on Lemmon Avenue and revealed the answer to the question, "What would drive a man to cold-blooded murder?"
Answer: false eyelashes, sagging bazoomas, and guys in flowered shirts playing snare drums.
Tell her you knew Ruby personally and that "he would have loved this tribute to his life's work." Cry a little bit.
*Funny Girl (1968): Get good and drunk before you try this, but this is the one that can't fail. Every woman cries at this movie. Every man calls it The Movie That Refuses to End.
Take her to it and act like you're enjoying yourself. Talk about how "cute" Barbra Streisand is. Choke up to "People." Say something like, "Boy, does that Nicky Arnstein make me envious." Put your arm around her when they take Omar Sharif to jail.
In other words, act like a dork. She's yours.
1996 Joe Bob Briggs (Distributed by NYT Special Features/Syndication Sales)
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