Here we are again. It's time for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Award nominees.
I know you're thrilled.
The coveted Hubbie will be awarded in early April, and once again there are no duplications between the Hubbies and those other Academy Awards that they give out at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. Pretty amazing, isn't it?
Due to the unprecedented apathy about this year's awards, we'll be announcing the nominees in installments. (The other reason is that the newspaper editors always bitch at me about how long the Hubbies are.)
So, herewith, henceforth and etcetera, the nominees for the first four categories...
Best Airhead Sex Flick
* Blondes Have More Guns, a slapstick version of Basic Instinct, Indecent Proposal, Body Heat, and Body of Evidence that's so goofy it's like watching Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, complete with cheap puns, huge-breasted women, dinner forks through the eyeball and Sharon Stone cross-your-legs impersonations.
* Girlquake, a retro-'60s exploitation flick about Amazon vixens in loincloths and halter tops who travel from the center of the earth to Coney Island in search of enlightenment.
* Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, in which Ronald Reagan's 41-year-old bundle of joy runs through a tropical jungle in a cave girl bikini, leaps off a 40-foot cliff, touches herself while lounging full-frontal nekkid on the rocks and talks about how small-breasted women over the age of 40 could be wonderful sex objects if society would just give 'em a chance. Don't even ask about the nekkid kickboxing.
* Romeo: Love Master of the Wild Women's Dorm, starring writer-producer-director-editor Denis Adam Zervos as an irresistible hunk of man meat that every woman at UCLA wants to sleep with, so he's too busy doing the old Prehistoric Bedspring Hustle with the entire female population of El Lay to pursue his singing career.
* Turnaround, an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress who daydreams about drinking hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and then having wild sex like they do in paperback novels.
Best Horror Flick
* Bram Stoker's Burial of the Rats, the true story of the time Bram Stoker was riding in a carriage through the woods of France with his daddy and their driver was attacked by flesh-eating rats and Bram was carried off by hooded Amazons who like to wear G-strings and halter tops as they worship Adrienne Barbeau, the queen of the Rat Women.
* Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh: The dude with the wicked hook is cruisin' Bourbon Street again, Captain-Hooking people at Mardi Gras.
* Inner Sanctum II, a horror flick disguised as an erotic thriller, starring Tracy Brooks Swope as the whiny wife in a wheelchair who murdered her slimy husband in Inner Sanctum One. She's now having nightmares in which her dead husband, Joseph Bottoms, appears to her as a leering, macaroni-faced zombie.
* Last Gasp, the story of a ruthless developer who kills a Toltec chieftain in Mexico and ends up as a heart-chomping vampire who likes to paint his face black and run nekkid through his Pennsylvania mansion, slicing the Achilles tendons of hapless small-town burghers so he can then finish them off with a wicked sacrificial knife.
* Stormswept, a stupid-people-trapped-in-a-big-house yarn starring Melissa Anne Moore as the beautiful realtor who holds the dirty secret: Anybody who stays in the house overnight will become lustful and depraved and start playing weird sex games while a psychopathic demon watches from the basement with a blonde nympho in a spirit trance who makes candles in her underwear and says things like, "Do you like my legs?"
Best Action Flick
* Abducted II: The Reunion, the story of three old girlfriends from a Swiss boarding school who spend the week camping in Canadian wild-sheep country, where they are kidnapped by a cockeyed mountain man wearing a goat head and are carted off to his cave, where he whines about his long-lost father.
* Caged Hearts, the story of two starving actresses who kill a drunk ex-boyfriend and end up in the Bimbo Big House, where they are beaten, abused, strip-searched, gang-tackled by lesbos and finally sent to The Hotel, which is, of course, the secret mansion where beautiful inmates are used as prostitutes by the evil male judges and attorneys.
* The Dangerous: A sensitive brother-sister killer-ninja team come to New Orleans to avenge the death of their sister, who got smothered in wet cement by a Meskin drug lord who now thinks that the local police are assassinating his dealers--even though it's the killer ninjas who are doing it.
* Dead Boyz Can't Fly, the sensitive story of a mama-hating transvestite, a rapist who teaches Yo-Yo tricks to little boys, and a dimwitted, vaguely ethnic hood who team up to terrorize an office building on Memorial Day weekend by blasting their way through the offices of a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist, and the guy who runs the employment agency.
* No Contest, starring Andrew Clay, a.k.a. the Diceman, as an international drug dealer who infiltrates the Miss Galaxy Pageant, takes the five finalists hostage in a hotel penthouse, gruesomely executes several dozen innocent bystanders, and demands $10 million in diamonds or else he'll waste the beautiful daughter of a weaselly senator.
* America's Deadliest Home Video, the finest movie ever made in Racine, Wisconsin, starring Danny Bonaduce as a nerdy husband in love with his camcorder who ends up running from the law with three convenience store specialists who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
* Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic starring J.J. North as the ditzy blonde who takes just a little too many breast-enhancement drugs and ends up stomping around Malibu.
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* Mute Witness, the story of a mute special-effects makeup artist who witnesses a snuff film being made and ends up being chased through Moscow by the Mafia, the cops, a goofball American director and his girlfriend.
* Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the first decent sequel to the greatest drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night couples who get lost out on a highway where a creepy redneck named W.E. roams around in a satanic wrecker.
* Twisted Love, a cross between Misery and Boxing Helena that has the most disgusting elements of both, starring Lisa Dean Ryan as the high-school wallflower who picks up the football hunk after a motorcycle accident and straps him into the upstairs bedroom of a house she's taking care of.
Copyright 1996 Joe Bob Briggs. (Distributed by NYT Special Features/Syndication Sales.)