Joe Bob Briggs
I'm really sick of talkin' about sperm.
I don't wanna hear about it. I don't wanna hear about people freezin' sperm, savin' sperm, bankin' sperm, borrowin' sperm, gettin' sperm from their brother, donatin' sperm, fightin' custody battles over sperm, buyin' sperm, sellin' sperm, or otherwise doing anything with sperm except keepin' it to themselves. Why are all these people obsessed with spermatazoas?
Do they really think we care that much what sperms their baby is gonna be made out of?
In fact, most of the people who are nuts about sperm shouldn't be passin' along those genes anyhow. You ever notice this? Think of all the people in your life who are beautiful, intelligent, sensible, sensitive, wise, well-groomed, wealthy or just, in general, have their stuff together. Now ask 'em what they think about sperm. "Well, I don't know, I might not even have children."
That's what they all say, right?
Now think of all the people who walk around barefoot in dirty undershirts eatin' Spam out of the can. Ask them about sperm. "I've probably got about eight kids that I know of, but I don't have any yet with Willa Mae." These guys are obviously very proud of their sperm.
And what's the most dreaded disease to the modern American male? Low Sperm Count. Guys would rather have Bubonic Plague than Low Sperm Count. Even guys that have no intention of ever having children. You tell 'em they have Low Sperm Count, and automatically they wanna go shoot off AK-47s in the parking lot just to prove they're male.
Looky here. There's plenty of babies from Korea and Romania and Bangladesh and American foster homes that, in some cases, we don't even know what original sperm they came from, and if we did know, we wouldn't care anyhow, and the original Sperm Donor certainly wouldn't care. Let's take care of these nonsperm-specific babies, okay? We don't need the goldurn Sperm Olympics going on here. If your sperm was so dang valuable, I wouldn't have to explain this to you in the first place, you know what I mean?
And speaking of sperm banks, Tanya Roberts is back this week in Deep Down, the first erotic thriller filmed entirely inside a cheap apartment complex in the flight path of the El Lay airport.
Chris Young plays the nerdy young unemployed heavy-metal guitar-playing lock-picker who lives across the courtyard and likes to spy on Tanya when she swims in the nude.
Kristoffer Tabori is the weirdbeard roommate who lets Chris stay on even when he doesn't have rent money.
George Segal is Tanya's violent alcoholic hubbie, who likes to rough her up right before he kisses her. George is real nasty in this one, blowin' a guy away in the first scene because he chews with his mouth full.
Pretty soon the young nerdy guy decides he's tired of seeing Tanya get knocked around by George, and so he goes over there to save her
As we know, from the other 3,000 erotic thrillers this year, multiple aardvarking ensues.
Three dead bodies. Fifteen breasts. Beer-can opening with tongue. One motor vehicle chase. Gunshot to the temple, in closeup. S&M Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for...
Kristoffer Tabori, as the scuzzball roomie, for saying "Does the concept behind the word 'privacy'--does it mean anything to you?"
Tanya Roberts, as the hot topic around the apartment complex who likes to wear black lace catsuits, for saying, "I don't want somebody, I need somebody--grow up."
Chris Young, as the naive little whippersnapper who says, "I think any new experience is exciting."
George Segal, as the numbskull husband who collects automatic machine guns and says "You just talked with your mouth full--don't ever do that again."
Joe Bob says check it out.
Joe Bob's Find That Flick
This week's cortex-crusher comes from Dan Csiraky of Newark, N.J.:
"I need the title to a slasher flick from the early '70s. It was about this guy who has these black-out spells, and it looks like he's hacking up bimbos whenever he blacks out. There's this one scene where he's on the beach at night with this bimbo in a bikini, and he goes off in search of beer.
"Next thing you know, the bimbo gets it right between the mahi-mahis with an ax! The best part is, the camera goes in for an extreme close-up of the blood, and when it pulls back out it's a bowl of tomato soup this homicide detective is eating. The same detective gets his hand lopped off with an ax later in the movie.
"I remember the title as Night of Bloody Horror, but I've never been able to find anything about any movie with that title."
A video will be awarded to the correct answer. (The winner chooses from a list of about a thousand titles.)
Send "Find That Flick" questions and solutions to Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221.
We have a Winner!
In a previous column, Don Hart of Webster, Texas, wrote: "Hey, I got one for you! What was the name of the movie with Connie Selleca and the giant sea turtle?"
We received 13 correct answers, so our winner was chosen by drawing. And he is...Brent A. Richardson of Columbus, Ohio:
"The answer is the 1978 ABC made-for-TV movie Bermuda Depths. As I remember it, it was pretty good. Not only did you get to see Connie Selleca wet (often), you also got to see Burl Ives eaten by a giant turtle. Carl Weathers was in it, too. It's got some other strange stuff in it. The underwater special effects are very good, but the above-the-water special effects are lousy because they were handled by two different effects companies.
"Also, when they first broadcast the movie, the picture went out for about an hour and the flick became a radio show for the middle third of the story."
Additional information came from our 12 runners-up...Matt Russell of Arlington, Texas:
"It starred Burl Ives as a crotchety old movie biologist and Carl Weathers as the soon-to-be-fishfood sidekick. Connie Selleca played Jennie Haniver, a girl supposedly drowned 200 or so years ago.
"I don't recall who played the blond beach guy who ended up doing the 'hide the fishie' game with Connie.
"Also, I think this was the first time the industry did the 'glowing evil eyes' trick with fluorescent contact lenses.
"It plays on stations late at night every now and again."
Darren McGeary of Watervliet, N.Y.: "It also starred Leigh McCloskey."
Kevin Paez of Richardson, Texas: "The superb production is as good or better than any episode of 'The Six Million Dollar Man."'
Copyright 1995 by Joe Bob Briggs. Distributed by NYT Special Features/Syndication Sales.
Get the Film & TV Newsletter
Stay up to date on the best new movies with our critics' latest reviews, interviews and trailers for the films coming to a theater near you each week.