50 Don'ts For Your ACL Festival Weekend
Don't pee your Depends. It's just a music festival.
We know you know what to do at the Austin City Limits Festival, but we're not positive you know what not to do. So, here's a list of 50 don'ts for your ACL weekend:
1. Don't try to look like you're from Austin. Austin knows you're a poseur.
2. Don't bring a cooler with you. Bring an entire refrigerator. It's more practical.
3. Don't forget your jert.
4. Don't remember to see Gotye perform.
5. Don't forget to lick the port-a-potties. Turns out, they taste like snozberries. You'll get a free high.
6. Don't post pictures of you at ACL while you're still at ACL. Just be at ACL, man. Facebook will understand.
7. Don't get mad at people for trying to get past you. You're in the fucking way, dude.
8. Don't use the ATMs at ACL. Sober You brought all the money you could possibly need. That beard jewelry you want to buy really isn't that cool.
9. Don't crowd surf sober.
10. Don't forget to seriously and loudly request "Freebird" at every stage.
11. Don't forget to bring all of the furniture from your entire house, "In case I get tired and need to sit down." This is what everyone does.
12. Don't take a cab. That would save time, energy, gas, and would be safe. You would much rather sit in traffic and curse ACL Jesus.
13. Speaking of ACL Jesus, don't forget your sacrifice to ACL Jesus: your dignity, pride, and your claim that you have good taste in music.
14. Don't not take your shirt off. A good sweaty back can lube an exit.
15. Don't take your shirt off. Gross, dude. Or lady.
16. Don't forget, when you can't get a signal, to hold your phone really high into the air. The signal will jump into it faster there.
17. Don't be the guy walking around chanting "Repent!" or "Save your soul!" for the upcoming apocalypse. It's more fun to say, "Are you serious??? IT'S NOW?" and run screaming.
Erm, no thanks
18. Don't miss Neil Young. He might die soon, you know?
19. Don't mention to the people of Austin you only came to hear "Somebody That I Used to Know." It will cause a rift in the indie rock time continuum.
20. Don't forget to pass off any fart on your right or left neighbor with a quick and curt eye glance.
21. Don't request songs, unless you wrote the song you're requesting.
22. Don't wear tuxedos. This event is hobo casual.
Dumb & Dumber
23. Don't wear the cowboy hat from Dumb & Dumber
24. Don't forget to make up a random band in the middle of real bands when you answer the question "What are you seeing?" (Good fake band name generator: The + [body part] + [any animal or insect] = win.)
25. Don't fall asleep in your hotel lobby: bed bugs.
26. Don't hesitate to go all fanny pack on the festival's ass.
Is this guy the Charlie Brown of bananas?
27. Don't shave your moustache, it's looking good
28. Don't leave your banana costume at home. This is a dealbreaker.
29. Don't sing Florence and the Machine songs without tearing up and ripping out body hair.
30. Don't bring a pancho. Do bring Pancho's.
31. Don't forget to hover when you're peeing on your sleeping friends.
32. Don't stand on a stranger's blanket. Blankets are fences. If you step on them, expect a severe glare that might even end in a "Really?" ACLers are sticklers for rules.
33. Don't wear edible underwear, it just melts.
34. Yeah, don't walk around barefoot if it starts raining. Remember that year they had just re-sodded and then it rained balls and then people were sliding around in the mud, all "Hahahaha, mud fight!" But then it turned out to be "Dillo Dirt," which means mostly poop and leastly mud? Wear shoes, hippies.
35. Don't avoid dismissing Weezer.
36. Don't stop singing "Don't Stop Believin'" if you like getting face punches.
37. Don't forget your bright-colored sunglasses. You're trendy.
Enough with the Indian headresses, assholes
38. Don't drink too much too early. You will end up yelling, "Show us your tiiiiiiiiiiiiits!" at the HEB Austin Kiddie Limits stage. If you do yell that, do run away quickly.
39. Don't hesitate to primal scream every Andrew Bird song always.
40. If you're sitting in shitty traffic in Austin (and you will be), don't forget to roll down your window and tell the Austinite on the vintage motorcycle (with no helmet, because "Whatever, man") next to you that you're, "Here for ACL." They like that.
41. Do not feed the Austinites.
42. Don't forget to stare longingly at Rufus Wainwright.
43. Do not complain about the weather. No matter what the weather is. You paid to be here. Shut the fuck up about the heat or the rain or the cold or the oxygen and get more drunk or high or full of food.
44. When you're in the line for the shitter, don't stop yelling, "I ORDERED A GARDEN SALAD!"
45. Don't make the mistake of leaving your spot near the stage just because nature calls. They're called Depends because you can depends on them. And all over them.
46. This is a music festival. Don't forget to bring your band. Yes, drums.
47. Don't pretend like saying, "Meet me at the flag" is specific enough.
48. Don't ask them to sign your boobs at the autograph tent. Ask them to sign your lower back. Lower back autographs are the new boob autographs.
49. Remember: you don't have to like Kimbra. It's OK. We'll get through this.
50. Don't buy an ACL shirt. There's a whole fucking village of local artists there. If you're going to buy a shirt, buy something better than a shirt that's just a logo bumpersticker on your boobs. Don't buy a boobersticker, people.
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