Mother's Day is a holiday for emotionally-inept cowards to meekly hand-over a bouquet of gas station flowers to someone that probably knows them too well to truly give a shit if they did anything or not. And why is it just one day? We should be honoring these women every day simply for being able to keep fleshy baby blobs alive to the point where they're able to buy pizza for themselves.
Hell, every time ANY parent manages to avoid raising another Adolf Hitler or Gavin Rossdale, they should be given some sort of congratulatory event -- a "Congrats, your kid is officially not a dickhead" kind of a thing.
But until then, we have one day a year that society expects us to honor these people, so you'd better do something. The problem is, while our hearts may be in the right place, we often display a real knack for mistaking a poorly-advised gift for a real expression of love. With that in mind, here are a few Mother's Day gifts that we're positive you should steer clear of.
6. Every T-Shirt Your Mom Threw Away
Remember when you bought that Charles Manson shirt you saw in an issue of Metal Maniacs back in 1997? The one that said "Charles Manson For President" on the front and "Charlie Don't Surf" on the back? I can promise you that even though over fifteen years have passed, your mother was thinking carefully when she threw that shirt and others away. She had hopes and dreams for you, once.
5. A Facial Tattoo
Even if you had one of those cool mothers that let you smoke weed in the basement with your friends, you're going to bum out the nice lady with your latest stick & poke sentiments. No cursive letters, ice cream cones or dessert treats of any varieties tattooed on mommy's favorite rosy cheeks. In fact, maybe stay away from all tattoos this Mother's Day. Yes, even the funny little heart with the banner on it that cartoon bullies have on their biceps.
4. A Song You Wrote
Why the hell would you do this to someone you care about? You know you are incapable of writing good music. How do you know? Because everyone else is.
3. A Singing Anything
Billy Bigmouth Bass ruined all of 1998. Then McDonald's ruined all of 2009 by bringing the heinous thing back and adding in a new song for all of your co-workers to sing loudly while they did data entry. You'd think that amidst all these warnings of climate change and our inevitable doom that manufacturers could grow a heart in a jar and realize that things like singing greeting cards are funny the first three times before they're permanently lodged in your brain like a railroad spike.
2. The Adventures of MC Skat Kat & The Stray Mob CD/Cassette
I'm not even writing a description for this. It's the musical equivalent of a serious death threat. In fact, just putting it in this article has probably put me on some sort of FBI watch list.
1. Anything With The Word "Rockstar" On It
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Here's a list of things that use the term "rockstar", a term that was turned into a household compliment by the band Smashmouth. (Well, maybe that was "all star," but we're holding it against them anyway.) You will notice a common thread between each one: none of them provide suitable presents for the woman who raised you.
-- Rockstar Energy Drink -- A Nickleback Song -- A Video Game Company That Makes Games Where You Shoot Cops -- Rock Star Skateboard Bearings -- Bon Jovi's Drummer's Company, ROCK STAR BABY, That Makes Ed Hardy-Looking Shit For Children (THIS SHIT FUCKING SUCKS) -- Twinkle Twinkle Little Rockstar -- A company that makes lullaby renditions of rock songs (this shit is seriously playing fucking imagine dragons right now) -- A Pro Wrestling Company -- RockStar Alpacas - An Alpaca Breeder
I guess there's also a company in Austin that does wholesale bagels. So maybe if the lady seriously loves the sandy-textured cousin of donuts, Rockstar Bagels wouldn't be so bad. Better than an alpaca, at least.