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Band Seeks Dallas Human: The Dating Profiles of Groups in Town for Valentine's Day

Rebirth Brass Band at the Granada late last year. They'll be in Fort Worth on Valentine's Day.
Rebirth Brass Band at the Granada late last year. They'll be in Fort Worth on Valentine's Day.
Zara Walsh

There's something in the air this week besides Wintery Mix. It's almost Valentine's Day, that magical time of year where even really solid romantic gestures seem tacky and contrived. But hey: Everyone deserves a little love. And a whole bunch of bands are choosing North Texas this year.

So open up your heart and let a group of strangers with instruments and microphones in. Here's what's on the market.

Name:

Bell Biv Devoe (Saturday at Verizon Theater)

Seeking:

A big butt and a smile.

For:

A night of New Jack Swinging.

Age:

Ain't nothin' but a number.

Location:

Beantown, Massachusetts.

Interests:

Dope bikinis, funky beats, and neon knee pads.

Turn Ons:

Ghetto booties, video queens, and poison (the good kind).

Turn Offs:

Granny panties, wack dancing skills, and poison (the STD kind).

Perfect First Date:

A dimly lit dinner on the harbor, dessert in the jacuzzi, and a midnight snack of smackin' it up, flippin' it up, and rubbin' it down.

Name:

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony (Thursday at Trees)

Seeking:

A come up.

For:

To creep on.

Age:

Timeless.

Location:

The crossroads of your heart.

Interests:

Staying high.

Turn Ons:

Girls who can freak a Black N Mild.

Turn Offs:

Snitches, cracked Swishers, and the LAPD.

Perfect First Date:

Just a nice relaxing day on the front porch. You braid our hair and roll our weed, and we take care of your car note after a quick run.

Name:

Dom Kennedy (Saturday at Trees)

Seeking:

Your mama.

For:

To tell her she's going to have a grandson.

Age:

29.

Location:

Leimert Park, Los Angeles.

Interests:

Hanging with dudes on the Dodgers, hanging with dudes that will rob you.

Turn Ons:

Your girl with the cute face, her friend with the nice body.

Turn Offs:

Your voicemail.

Perfect First Date:

I doesn't really care what you do, as long as you make my eggs with turkey bacon in the morning.

Name

: Neutral Milk Hotel (Saturday at Majestic Theatre)

Seeking:

Someone who wants to listen, but not look.

For:

A long-distance relationship, no matter where in the world we both actually are.

Age:

Is something that happens to us all. *world-weary sigh*

Location:

A run-down shack in the wilderness.

Interests:

Saw solos, WW2 biographies, staying in.

Turn Ons:

Terrifyingly graphic psycho-sexual poetry.

Turn Offs:

Popular music.

Perfect First Date:

Twelve years after the date we had originally set.

 
Name:

Gorehounds (Friday at Three Links)

Seeking:

Sex not important, must be freaky.

For:

A night of leather, strippers, foam cannons, and feather boas.

Location:

Deep Ellum. Always Deep Ellum.

Interests:

Whatever the opposite of vanilla sex in the missionary position is. That.

Turn Ons:

Pure, raw, unfiltered sexuality.

Turns Offs:

Accountants

My Perfect First Date:

Comes after the sex, and preferably ends in more sex.

Name:

Hucci (Friday at Trees)

Seeking:

#HucciGirl

For:

A casual night of beats and higher thinking

Age:

Old enough

Location:

The traps of Brighton, Britain

Interests:

International travel, trap music, and rolling one up.

Turn Ons:

A body like Beyonce, swag like Princess Kate, and expensive in-ear headphones

Turn Offs:

Crumpets dipped in tea, straight edge jackets, and phony rap.

Perfect First Date:

We'd start with a night of raving, get schnockered with my friend Courvoisier, black out in my private jet, and wake up in a high society.

Name:

Rebirth Brass Band (Thursday at the Live Oak)

Seeking:

A good Southern girl.

For:

To take her drawers off.

Age:

Grown and sexy.

Location:

Down in the Treme.

Interests:

Dancing in the streets.

Turn Ons:

A woman who's not afraid to get pulled onstage, black and gold, swinging hips, some of that good, and none of that bad.

Turn Offs:

Non-Saints fans, shit-starters.

Perfect First Date:

Nothing too fancy, because we ain't much no Casanovas.

Name:

Sebadoh (Saturday at Thin Line Fest)

Seeking:

New friends.

For:

Some time away from my weird old friend.

Age:

Always in the '90s.

Location:

Olympia, Washington but, you know,

before all that.Interests:

Hemingway and pawn shops.

Turn Ons:

Spontaneity, sort of long hair.

Turn Offs:

Trying too hard, really long hair.

Perfect First Date:

We'd make a picnic dinner from whatever I had lying around in my kitchen and then we'd go egg a Clear Channel office building.

Name:

White Lies (Saturday at the Granada)

Seeking:

A beautiful loner.

For:

A dance floor at the end of the world.

Age:

Too old.

Location:

En-guh-lund.

Interests:

Ian Curtis, campy horror movies, fist pumping.

Turn Ons:

Open highways, not smiling.

Turn Offs:

Major keys, fast talkers.

Perfect First Date:

It's been a rainy day, but the rain has stopped and the clouds are kind of dispersing and the sun is setting, and we're running through the city. Not for exercise, though, but because someone/thing is chasing us.

See also: -The Top Ten All Time Best Replacement Lead Singers in Rock and Roll -Songs That Have Hidden Messages When Played in Reverse -The Ten Best Music Videos Banned by MTV

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