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Concert Foul No. 72: The Concert Dancer

It seems that it's nearly impossible to show up at a performance of one's favorite musical act these days and not run into this most uninhibited concert goer. Granted, according to popular behavior, indie-rock shows are best watched while frozen in the upright position. But concert dancers have never heard of such a preposterous rule.

Instead, they are highly distracting, and they generally have no concept of personal space.

And, to top it off, this breaker of unwritten concert law is equipped with some sort of homing device that enables them to find me in a crowd of thousands. They walk right up to me and treat my personal space as prime real estate to bust a move.

The concert dancer's behavior is like that of my one-year-old son. The second he hears "Old McDonald," he goes apeshit, standing in place, bending his knees repeatedly until the music ends.

Similarly, the concert dancer will show up at a show (they can usually be spotted in loose, flowing, breathable clothing), and as soon as the music starts, everyone within five feet (one or or feet in my case) will be subjected to the person's complete lack of self-awareness. But, unlike my son, these people have a little more variety in their repertoire.

Breaking Update 9:54 a.m.: After sleeping on it and re-reading this, you guys are right. I'm an asshole. You just keep dancing, and I'll be the guy frozen in place.

What follows is a list of the different kinds of concert dancers.

The Interpretive Dancer
This most notorious type of concert dancer ebbs and flows around the room, ruining those rare transcendental concert moments for any fan that catches said dancer in their periphery.

The Clubber
The Clubber's biggest disconnect with normal concert goers is their belief that music is only meant to be danced to. They pump their fist on the fast songs, and grind on an unsuspecting neighbor on the slow ones.

The Couple
The Couple only shows up during the slow songs, and they usually use that small strip of space in between the stage and the audience. It's kind of sweet in that why-are-you-dancing-in-front-of-me-there's-plenty-of-room-in-the-back kind of way.

The Pressure Cooker
This is the only self-aware concert dancer. They stand there trying to keep their hesitant bounce hidden, but when that great moment in the song comes, they completely blow their cover.

But maybe I'm being too harsh here, but there's got to be a way for the dancer and non-dancer to coexist at shows. Should the concert dancer be more respectful of other people's space, or should we non-dancers be more respectful of the notion that some people just need to dance?

I think it's the first one.


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