You punks! Get off my lawn!
I'm kidding. Just mind the tulips, wouldya? Judging by your Operation Ivy patch and your pal's Green Day pin, you're on your way to get tickets for Rancid's Friday, July 14, show at the Gypsy Tea Room. Sixteen bucks for tickets...that's real punk. But then, maybe punk is just whatever you can get away with.
Stop laughing at my fanny pack. I've got more methadone and Geritol in it right now than you'll take in your whole life. Oh, now you're listening. Well, go get your Gypsy Tea Room tickets. Forget about the Summer Blowout, the free show at Hoblitzelle Park in Plano.
You hadn't heard? Yeah, the Summer Blowout is Friday too. Buncha pop-punk bands, mostly high-schoolers. Maybe younger. Project Flatline looks and sounds like 12-year-olds. OffBeat and Red Car Wire are so poppy they make Blink 182 sound hard-core. Gym Class Dropouts have been listening to too much Bowling for Soup ("too much" meaning "any") but ain't worse than any other mall-rockers born decades after punk's first garage rumblings.
Yeah, I was there back then, and despite your mocking tone, I'm proud of it...hey! Touch the fanny pack again and I'll sever every tendon in your arm. You think I shave with this? I ain't THAT old.
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Well, anyway, go get your tickets before they sell out. You'll miss Friday's Red Blood Club show, but it's all metal anyway. Saturday, though, you can see Austin's World Burns to Death at the RBC if you're into hard-core songs about war crimes and oppression. And it's BYOB. That means you can put your beer money toward your next nautical-star tattoo. Or go Thursday to hear some sneering hard rock from the Lash Outs.
Ah, so sarcasm isn't a lost art with the youth. But yes, I do still go out and no, you haven't seen me. Maybe that's because I wasn't at the last New Found Glory show.
You're still set on seeing Rancid? Even after I told you about some worthwhile shows? Can't blame you. Maybe those Summer Blowout bands will be more interesting after they've learned punk didn't begin with Green Day and end with Jimmy Eat World. And even if some of us old geezers gripe that Rancid's just a Clash rip-off, I'll admit I've got a soft spot for "Salvation" and "Ruby SoHo." You'll probably like their opening band, Street Dogs. Hell, you may recognize their guitarist, Marcus Hollar, who was kicking around with some Dallas-area punk combos until he had the balls to e-mail former Dropkick Murphy Mike McColgan and offer to be his new band's guitarist. If that ain't punk, I don't know what is.
No, I won't be there. I'm going to see a friend's band at a house party. Here's a flier. You've probably never seen one of these, what with your MySpace bulletins and whatnot. I'm not surprised you haven't heard of the band. They're not online, and you're sure as hell not gonna read about them in your so-called "alternative" newsrag.