An event yesterday caused my snark-o-meter to explode with such ferocity that it has taken me a full day to recover the ability to write with sarcasm. I spent all of yesterday genuinely wishing people well, and I think at one point I tried to argue that Christina Aguilera's career actually featured some pretty bright moments and that there was still hope for her.
Thankfully, things re-aligned themselves this morning when I saw a recently taken picture of Axl Rose, and now I find myself capable of telling you that Oklahoma's finest exporter of long blonde hair since the 1990s, the boy band Hanson, have joined forces with some sort of craft brewery that possesses no shame or indeed money to create a beer they have dubbed, with totally straight faces, "Mmmhops."
See also: -The Worst of Rocklahoma 2013, Starring Axl Rose -The Top Ten All Time Best Replacement Lead Singers in Rock and Roll -Songs That Have Hidden Messages When Played in Reverse -The Ten Best Music Videos Banned by MTV
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As of yet, despite the seismic nature of this collision of pop and hop (if Hanson were still hip, these fucking jokes would write themselves) we have received no press release, but I have pieced together the following for you. Hanson's classic ode to things not being there any more, "MmmBop," is featured in cash-in spectacular Hangover III, in which Zach Galafinakis will undoubtedly carry a child or some other small creature in a hilariously crafted throwback to the original and its strikingly identical sequel, which were both themselves a rip-off of one of the best early Simpsons episodes, even down to Mike Tyson and the goddamn tiger. Thus, now there is a beer.
This beer, which will induce a HANGOVER should you drink too many (whether it will induce three hangovers is the sort of information I would need an actual press release to be able to pass onto you), is to be brought out this week, as the now somewhat lacking in hair brothers three also apparently have a new single out soon, for reasons no one can possibly begin to comprehend.
Hansen's sixth (SIXTH) studio album, Anthem, is due out in June 2013, long after both their hair and youth have departed this planet. Can you name another Hanson single? Anyone?