This year's Fun Fun Fun Fest scavenger hunt began at 4 p.m. on Saturday afternoon, when I found the Raving Lunatics - Sheriff Red, Inmate 66247, P.P.O.P. and Sherlock Ownz - at the Libertine Bar. Each team registered for the hunt received a packet with a list of tasks separated by point value. The more extreme the task, the more points it would garner: Take a photo of an old man giving the bird, 5 points; shaving eyebrows, 30 points; Fun Fun Fun Fest tattoo, 50 points. The winner is sent to this year's Fun Fun Fun Fest with VIP tickets, a $323 value
Each team had to donate a package of shirts and socks and cans of food, as donations were also worth points. Six teams participated in the East Dallas hunt: Rawk Partee, Triple-Stuffed Oreo, Lunch Break, Mr. Greenville Avenue, Derp-A-Derp and the Raving Lunatics, who allowed me to tag along with them.
Here is a rundown of some of the most memorable stopping points:
4:00 - Hunt begins. Most of the teams rushed out of the bar and began performing tasks that would garner them the most points. Team Derp-A-Derp shaved each others eyebrows (30 points), while Lunch Break chugged water around the corner (20 points). Team Raving Lunatics chilled in the bar, planning their attack.
4:29 - Follow Lunatics across the street and ask a cop if he'd allow Inmate 66247 access to his backseat. "Yeah, that's not goin' to happen," he said, caressing his side arm.
4:31 - Back at the bar for another drink.
4:39 - Jeez, leaving the bar again, couldn't finish my drink. Heading towards Abbey Road. But first, Dumpster diving for some good ol' fashioned chicken fighting.
4:47 - Group photo inside a port-a-potty. Shit.
5:07 - Team members are searching for an old lady to help across the road. I'm searching for another bar.
5:10 - Team decides to separate to cover more ground. I stay with Inmate and Sheriff because they are willing to do anything to win this competition.
5:10 - Enter another bar, found an old man to flip off the team, and watch Inmate 66247 somersault into the pool.
5:25 - Rush into Quesa-D-Yas, buy steaming queso for cheese beard and convince workers to use bacon to spell Sheriff Red's age, then watch the Sheriff mimic Bruce Lee's Be Water video.
5:35 - The Lunatics are searching for a person to sketch, while I'm searching for a place to rest.
5:46 - Stopped to buy a pair of jeans from Buffalo. Inmate 66247 almost picks up a baby to move into the corner for 20 points, but the mother gives him a look that promises a real prisoner's number if he touches her child.
5:55 - Sheriff Red moves safety cones to block the road, while an irate parking attendant screams, "You can't do that." We're still trying to capture an old lady, but our prey is proving to be elusive.
6:00 - Sheriff Red drops his cell phone as he's crossing the road. He looks at the driver of a rather large car and smiles, but the driver shrugs his shoulders, swerves toward the center of the road and runs over the phone.
6:19 - Chillin' with my homies while Sheriff Red buys paint at Party Surprize. Still searching for the old lady.
6:35 - Standing outside the Angry Dog, watching the Lunatics slip on ass-less chaps and daisy dukes, while my mind spirals back to another time when Chris Cornell (or was it Perry Farrell?) showcased his ass-less chaps for a crowd of raving fans.
6:45 - Found old, homeless woman. "She'll do," says Inmate 66247, attempting to help her cross the road. She stops several times to pick up cigarette butts, to the prisoner's dismay.
6:55 - Kung Fu fighting at Lulu B's.
7:00 - Lost in Deep Ellum.
7:35 - Entering Taboo Tattoo for Inmate 66247's nipple piercing. We receive an update that two teams consumed too much alcohol and dropped out of the hunt. Only four teams left. Inmate 66247 smiles.
7:45 - Inmate 66247 shaves his chest hair to resemble a mohawk. Sheriff Red shaves the letters "FFF" into his chest hair.
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8:00 - Nipple piercing. Ouch.
8:15 - Vomiting water in front of 7-11, while the store clerk screams, "You no drink water here. Me call the police." Inmate 66247 smiles and continues to chug the gallon jug. He's determined to win this competition, no matter the cost.
8:45 - Sheriff Red helps a very water drunk Inmate out of the car. They meet up with the other team members and paint each others faces, take a picture for proof and then paint Inmate's face blue outside of Bryan Street Tavern.
9:00 - Finish line. Finally. Cool air. Cold drinks. Good music. Heaven.