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How I Learned To Stop Worrying About the Vibrator in My Mailbox and Love Myself

When a vibrator mysteriously ended up in my mailbox recently, I got scared. I checked my apartment for video cameras and recording devices. I asked friends if they were pulling a prank on me. Had I "accidentally" ordered one in the early morning hours and "forgotten" about it? (Very possible.)

When a logical explanation proved elusive, I had to assume magic is real. I remember hearing about the unfortunately named OhMiBod a few years ago and scoffing at such an invention. The gist: Hook it up to your iPod and get craaaaazzyyyy, giiiirrrrllll. But now one was in my house. I had to do something with it.

I'm rather utilitarian in the sex toy department, and anything that has attachments or remotes or takes longer than three seconds to turn on doesn't really do it for me. And some of their other products just look dangerous. But I'm not one to look a gift dildo in the mouth.

Basically, the "Freestyle" wireless model pulsates along with the beats of the music, or corresponds to an increase in volume. So I put it on shuffle (my iPod) and commenced some very scientific research.

Portishead, "Elysium" College flashbacks. Skip.

Tune-yards, "My Country" The drum beat works for the stimulation part, but something about listening to Merrill Garbus sing about social injustice is making it like a bear trap down there.

Mind Spiders, "Neurotic Gold" OK, Mind Spiders are good sexy time music. Mental note.

The Mummies, "A Girl Like You" Ditto.

Rihanna, "Talk That Talk" I love Rihanna, and I was just as upset as everyone else was when I heard she was featured on a remix of Chris Brown's "Turn Up the Music," and that he showed up on her remix of "Birthday Cake." I was just as disturbed as everyone else to see these reactions to Chris Brown on the Grammys. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was absolutely toxic? It's heard to break that hold sometimes. I don't think she's an idiot; she just doesn't want to play the victim anymore. Aaaaand that tangent just killed my buzz. Next.

Scientist, "The Voodoo Curse" You'd think dub would be the perfect thing, but no, not this particular tempo. Rids the World of the Evil Curse of the Vampires is a great album, though, and I never listen to it.

Neil Young, "Cortez the Killer" Damn, this is a great song. Zuma is a great album too. I wonder what Neil Young is doing right now... Nope, not working for me.

Cabaret Voltaire, "Nag Nag Nag" The Living Legends is a fantastic compilation for a band that unfairly gets labeled as "darkwave." OK, I'm back on track.

Randy Newman, "Rednecks" Oh, for fuck's sake.

The results: This thing was not exactly compatible with most songs on my iPod, and there are seven settings on it, which is about four too many. I suppose this device is great for folks who want some "background" noise and have the time to devote to it, but I'm too much of a music nerd to fully enjoy it without being distracted by the songs and the tempo changes. Also, I think I may have ... broken it. Guess I'll stick to my old-fashioned butter-churnin'.

But seriously, who sent it to me?


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