Class. We don't get enough of it. We've gone to enough shows to accumulate a raging case of tinnitus and enough T-shirts to clothe a small village, and when it comes to concert going in Dallas we've noticed our fair share of bad behavior. It happens to the best of us. But some things are more inexcusable than others and, to be honest, we’ve had enough. We're talking to you, Mr. Groper, and you too, Yakky McYakker. So to improve the concert going experience for everyone in the area we’ve come up with a few guidelines for those of you spending your hard earned money to see some live music. Follow these rules and, beyond reasonable doubt, we can all live happily ever after without having to chuck a Lone Star at your head.
Don’t make out.
Keep your hands to yourselves till you get home. We don’t care if this is your first night out in six months; it’s not our fault that things got a little drunk and family planning went out the window 15 months ago. So please, keep the 16-year-old tonsil hockey to yourselves; we’re trying to watch a show here, not you trying to get your groove back. If you simply can't keep your hands to yourselves, then A) be hot and B) Be entertaining — at least go to third base.
Listen to the opener.
It’s not fun to stand around and wait for hours for the main act to meander their stoned asses to the stage, but that doesn’t mean that you should skip out on the opener. Getting there early means prime real estate in the pit, and most often, you get to hear some really great music. The artist that you’re going to see chose their opener for a reason, and if you’re really serious about supporting local and up-and-coming bands, you should show up and listen to them play.
Don’t touch anyone.
And we mean anyone. The drunk girl? Don’t touch. The dancing girl? Don’t touch. The Serenity guys at Granada who are so super-friendly and charming? Don’t touch. The bartender? Don’t touch. The artist? Don’t touch. The guy with the amazing beard? Don’t touch.
It’s called personal space for a reason. Respect it.
This is directed at you yuppie ass Granada/South Side/House of Blues crowds. Some of us actually care about the music; we’re not just here to say that we were here. Your endless prattle is keeping us from hearing the artists perform, and no one cares about your ski trip.
Hold your booze.
If you are over the age of 19, you are too old to vomit in public. If you are under the age of 21, you are too young to vomit (from alcohol) in public. The math is pretty simple.
Stop telling everyone to sit down.
We get it. You’re too old to shake your hips, and you paid for your ticket gosh darn it! But, so did everyone else, and music exists for two things: to convey emotion and to get laid. Both of those are expressed by dancing, so we’re gonna stand up and dance. We don’t care who’s watching.
Share your weed.
Everyone can smell it, dude. Even with all the newfangled advancements in smoking technology, weed still smells like weed. If you’re fortunate enough to have some good stuff at a standing-room-only show, pass it around. It’s the best way to build goodwill with your fellow concertgoers, and may even keep you out of a fight later when that belligerent drunk guy you elbow accidentally remembers that you’re holding.
Don’t get duped by a scalper.
It seems like more and more scalpers are cropping up at even the cheap shows these days, and most of them don’t have your best interests at heart. Sure, that guy only wants to get his money back because he forgot that his mother’s aunt’s birthday is today, but that doesn’t mean that he understands that the ticket is non-transferable and requires a photo ID for admission. If you do get taken by some asshole who is spending your hard-earned money on crappy booze, you are not allowed to take it out on the goodly people who are running the door. It’s not their fault you got taken advantage of.
Leave the iPad at home.
Like, you’re blocking everyone’s view, and there’s no chance you’re ever going to watch this video. You’re not a documentarian, you just look like a jackass.
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These groups are out there killing themselves chasing their dreams, the least you can do is buy a shirt and show your support for the local scene.