At some point Saturday you'll see him. He'll be making his way to the DART, either through the efforts of a friend or a miffed girlfriend. One shoe will be missing, the green hat he's wearing will be askew, and the festive holiday tank top he purchased from Target will be soaked from a combination of shitty beer and what may or may not be vomit. You'll spot this young gentleman at around 3:00 p.m. (or three o'clock or you're truly Irish), you'll shake your head, and you'll go back to drinking, because this is America, and that's what we do on St. Patrick's Day. You just don't want to be him.
But, don't worry: We're here to give you some tips not only on how to avoid being that guy, but on how you can survive stuffing into a packed crowd to line Greenville Ave. to see exactly how much lukewarm green colored beer a person can handle. Otherwise known as the annual St. Patrick's Day Parade and Dallas Observer St. Patrick's Day Concert, which this year will be headlined by Josh Abbott Band.
Getting to the Festivities
Blessed be the DART, and thank you our DART lord and savior for the Mockingbird station stop, for you have solved the problem of there being 50,000 drunk drivers on the road. People, be sensible; you will drink too much, so use the public transportation that's provided to you.
Behaving in Public
So, you might have noticed that things are a bit tense int this country at the moment, and well there will be a lot of booze flowing, and people tend to use that as a excuse to do some pretty vile shit, so let's all agree to not be drunken antagonists for the good of this countries sanity. (Yeah, I'm talking to you dude with the orange T-shirt.) Oh, and the police will have zero chill, so try to just walk the line as well as you can.
Okay, so the parade is a thing that makes normal, sane people completely loose their shit. A combination of early drinking, green clothing, floats and random music leads the worst of us coming out. The parade starts at 11:00. By 11:15 you'll be upset that Whacking Day isn't actually a thing. By 11:30 someone in your crew is already passed out. And if by some chance you make it to the end of the parade around 12:30 you should immediately buy a lottery ticket because you, sir or madame, are truly #blessed.
The real pros skip the parade altogether and roll into the area around 1 p.m. for the concert. Conveniently the concert takes place a short walk from the end of the parade, at Energy Square. You miss all the pageantry of the parade, but you also avoid the people who can't handle their booze and, well, just being honest here, the families. I don't have anything against kids per se, but let's be real here: No one wants to be around a bunch of brats on the most shitfaced day of the year. (A.k.a. "Amateur's Night.")
Unlike the past couple years, the concert might have a slightly different vibe -- mainly, for the first time since Ryan Bingham played in 2012, the show's gone country. Texas Country at that, with performances from Josh Abbott Band, Cory Morrow, Ray Johnston Band, Tyler & The Tribe and Breaking Southwest. Expect to see a lot less flip flops and a hell of a lot more short shorts and cowboy boots.
For the love of God prepare yourselves for the Texas Tech people. You see Observer concert headliner Josh Abbott Band was formed while Abbott and assorted bandmates were attending school in Lubbock, and the Red Raiders have adopted the group as sort of a de facto touring party. Take a Jimmy Buffet Parrothead, remove the tropical shirts and margaritas, add a shit ton of black and red, finger guns, and Bud Light, and you've got the crowd at an Abbott concert. You might even see some tortillas flying on stage if things get super rowdy.
This year the Observer concert is sponsored by Bud Light, Barefoot Wine & Bubbly, American Born Moonshine, Tito's Handmade Vodka, and ZICO Premium Coconut Water. Which means we're getting lit, and then trying to hydrate. (Watch out you don't wake up in a bathtub cradling that can of coconut water on Sunday morning, champ.)
There's restaurants everywhere on Greenville, and the food trucks will be out in full force, but for those of you going to the concert you'll be able to grab goods from Grub Burger Bar, Samson's Gourmet Hot Dogs, and Urban Crust Wood-Fired Pizza. VIPs at the concert will get Torchy's Tacos, and Pollo Tropical for free, so you know, splurge on that VIP package.
Music is scheduled to be wrapped up by 7:00 p.m. That means everybody out. Do not be the person who pees on the DART, or the person who pukes in the Uber. And if you do end up being that person, pray that your friend was the one who ordered the car.
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Get Zico for your money. Oh, and on Sunday you'll gonna want to combine lemon lime Gatorade, a Topo Chico and a few shots of tequila, then get thee to a taco stand. You'll really thank us for this last part, we promise.
JOSH ABBOTT BAND performs at the Dallas Observer St. Patrick's Day Concert with Cory Morrow, Tyler and the Tribe, Ray Johnston Band and Breaking Southwest after the St. Patrick's Day Parade, Saturday, at Energy Square, on the corner of Greenville and University, $15.
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