"Let's not rock!"

Art Nichols

The Dallas Observer has obtained a copy of a script for a show being added to NBC-TV's fall lineup, The Lilith Fairies. As best we can tell, it's about a handful of female musicians -- among them Sarah McLachlan, Sheryl Crow, Shawn Colvin, and Luscious Jackson -- out to rid the world of evil...or, barring that, interesting music. Along with the script was an artist's rendering of the superheroes' costumes. What follows is most of the script, along with notes from network executives.

"The Lilith Fairies"
Pilot No. 3
Execs in charge: David E. Kelley and Ed Zwick

Title: "Sisters Gonna Work It Out!"

Story: Joni Mitchell, Carole King, and Melanie

Upcoming Events

Screenplay: Sarah McLachlan, Sheryl Crow, and Shawn Colvin

Music: Sixpence None the Richer

The Characters:
Sarah McLachlan as Canada Dry (Motto: "She will bore you...TO DEATH!!")

Sheryl Crow as The Amalgamator ("She absorbs her enemies!")

Shawn Colvin as Breakwind ("She will folk you UP!!")

Luscious Jackson as The Beastie Girls ("Three heads, no soul!")

Fleming and John as The Whynamic Duo ("And you are...?")

Anne Murray as Professor X Chromosome

The Donnas as The Riot Grrrls

And introducing Jewel as Jewel, The Poetry Monkey (Note from Standards and Practices: Had to change it from The Gaseous Monkey; please omit all references to "poot" or "stinky hands.")

The Setting: The Lilith Fairies hang out at the House of Style...and Justice!, which resembles the Hall of Justice, the Fortress of Solitude -- lots of computers and control panels and monitors. Plush couches are seen, and lit incense and candles are everywhere. Hanging on the walls are gold and platinum records and covers of various music magazines upon which our superheroes have appeared: Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, People.

Opening scene: Int. House of Style...and Justice!All the Fairies are sitting around on couches. Jewel sits on table nibbling on her tail.

Canada Dry sees this and laughs: "Jewel! Where did your parents raise you? Inside a car?"

Jewel, in high, squeaky monkey voice: "To face what's left of concrete and honey / Kiss the flame / Let's run with the hunted, the untamed."

Jewel jumps off table and begins wrapping monkey self around Canada Dry's leg. The Beastie Girls sit at the end of table, trying to practice three-part harmonies. It is not working.

Canada Dry: "We need to get a list together of people we want on this year's tour."

The Amalgamator: "Please, anybody but the Indigo Girls. No style."

Breakwind: "And too butch. Besides, they haven't had a hit in, like, 10 years."

The Amalgamator: "Really? They had a hit?"

Canada Dry: "Very funny, smart-ass. OK, how about Dusty Springfield?"

Breakwind: "Like, she's dead."

Canada Dry: "Seriously? Well, how about Tammy Wynette?"

The Beastie Girls, all together, though not all at once: "Dead."

Canada Dry: "Gosh. Well, there's always Lisa Loeb."

The Amalgamator: "Get real. What, so she can sing 'Stay' 14 times in a row, like she did in Portland last year? You want another riot on your hands? Took me five months to get the stains out of my cloak. Good luck, sister. Besides, I want some guys on the bill this year." Pause, sly grin. "Who am I gonna screw?"

Breakwind, sneeringly: "You mean screw OVER, doncha?"

The Amalgamator: "Very funny. Take your Grammy and shove..."

Canada Dry, interrupting her: "Girls, girls. Remember: This is all about sisterhood. OK, you want guys, how about Elton John?"

Breakwind: "THAT bitch?"

Canada Dry: "Rufus Wainwright?"

The Amalgamator: "I said GUYS!"

Jewel, nodding her head in agreement: "But wherefore art thou, Romeo / Where have all the brave men gone?"

Off-camera: Suddenly, a loud "BLEEP!! BLEEP!! BLEEP!!"

Int. Fairies run into a large adjoining room filled with a giant monitor and the enormous head of Professor X Chromosome. The women surround the monitor. They look afraid.

Canada Dry (yelling): "Gosh, Professor X Chromosome, what's the problem?"

Professor X Chromosome: "Girls, there has been an emergency. The Riot Grrrls have struck again. They're invading magazines and television shows all over the country, gaining legitimacy by doing nothing more than ripping off the Ramones and the Runaways. They're even covering Mötley Crüe."

Canada Dry: "Like, gross."

Professor X Chromosome: "They must be stopped at all costs. Provocative music be eradicated! I've already contacted Natalie Merchant, Suzanne Vega, Paula Cole, Victoria Williams...

The Amalgamator: "Me'Shell Ndegeocello?"

Professor X Chromosome: "Gesundheit." A pause. "And Bonnie Raitt in case you need veteran reinforcements."

The screen goes black. The girls turn and dialogue overlaps. Very Robert Altman. Various voices: "Come on, let's go," "Time's wasting," etc.  

Cut to: Int. Large garage with giant platinum-colored airplane built in the shape of an acoustic guitar. On the side is the logo "THE TELECASTRATER."

Jump cut: Int. MTV Studios in New York. The Riot Grrrls, all wearing tight hot pink T-shirts and black leather pants, are doing an interview with Kurt Loder, playing himself. (Note to make-up dept.: Go heavy on the pancake; after all, the man is 74 years old.) The Riot Grrrls are smoking, drinking, having fun. One of them, it doesn't matter which, is making out with John Norris off-MTV camera.

Riot Grrrl 1 (to John Norris): "I hope they don't make me repeat the eighth grade for this."

John Norris: "Again."

Cut to: Int. MTV Studios. Interview setting.

Kurt Loder: "Ladies, your new record is rather brilliant, sounding like nothing I've ever heard -- at least since yesterday. You're as innovative as my dear friend Madonna. Tell me about your inspirations, or lack thereof."

Riot Grrrl 2: "Mötley Crüe gets me sticky. Warrant makes me hot."

Riot Grrrl 3: "Anybody wanna slice of our cherry pie?"

Loder, mockingly: "Wow."

Riot Grrrl 2: "And you, of course, Kurt."

Loder, facetiously: "Cool."

Riot Grrrl 4: "We like pretty much everything, from the Ramones to, uh, the Ramones."

Loder, sarcastically: "Neat."

Riot Grrrl 2: "Yeah, we've been listening to music our whole lives. At least since 1995."

Loder, derisively: "Check 'em out."

Cut to: Ext. MTV Studios in Times Square. The Telecastrater can be seen hovering above Times Square, much to the amazement of the bystanders below, many of whom look either bored or frightened.

Int: The Telecastrater. Canada Dry sits at helm. Fleming and/or John is serving drinks to the rest of the Lilith Fairies.

The Amalgamator: "I knew we brought you along for a reason."

Breakwind: "Who ARE you, anyway?"

Canada Dry: "Hey, what's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis!"

The Amalgamator, giggling: "Girlfriend, that's mean!"

Jewel: "In the end only kindness matters / I will get down on my knees / And I will pray."

Cut to: Int: MTV Studios.

The Telecastrater breaks through plate-glass windows overlooking Times Square, and in storm the Lilith Fairies, all carrying acoustic guitars -- except for The Beastie Girls, who are all carrying Beastie Boys records.

Loder, to camera: "Cool. Check this out."

Riot Grrrl 1: "Ohmigod! It's the LILITH FAIRIES!!"

Riot Grrrl 2: "Let's get those bitches!"

Riot Grrrl 3: "Will mess 'em up worse than the Dixie Chicks!"

Riot Grrrl 2: "Someone get Breakwind before she sings 'Sonny Came Home.'"

Breakwind: "You wanted the worst, you got it!"

Canada Dry, at the top of her lungs: "LET'S NOT ROCK!" (Note to sound FX: Should echo, like "Oh, mighty Isis-isis-isis-isis.")

Loder: "Ladies, how about an interview?"

The Beastie Girls: "Screw you, old man. We're here to bring the pain!" They start singing.

Riot Grrrl 1: "No, not 'Naked Eye!'"

Jewel: "Your heart like grape gum on the ground / And you try to find yourself in the abstractions of religion and the cruelty of everyone else."

The stink of Jewel's poetry suffocates Riot Grrrl 1, who clutches throat and begins to writhe in pain. She finally passes out limp, in the arms of John Norris, who screams like a little girl and runs away. Jewel dances on the limp corpse.

Riot Grrrl 4, to The Whynamic Duo: "Who're you?"

The Whynamic Duo: "We're Fleming and John!"

Riot Grrrl 4: "WHO?"

The Whynamic Duo: "Let's show her!" They start singing their hit single "Ugly Girl." (Note to music supervisors: Make sure that is a hit single.)

Riot Grrrl 4 slowly turns to stone before shattering into hundreds of pieces. Note to Special FX: See movie Clash of the Titans.

Cut to: Outside Green Room, MTV Studios.

Riot Grrrl 2, yelling: "You'll pay for that!" She grabs custom Gene Simmons "Punisher" bass and begins swinging it wildly at The Whynamic Duo.

Cut to: Breakwind appears and whips out her Grammy and begins to beat Riot Grrrl 2 savagely while screaming, "Sonny came home...to whoop yer ASS!!!" She leaves the Grammy plunged into her heart. She licks the blood off her hands and howls.

Cut to: Darkened MTV Studios. Loder cowers in the corner, muttering to himself: "Cool. Wow. Un-hunh. Neat. Check it out." He is chain-smoking and clearly looking his age.

Wide angle same dark studios. Standing in the shadows are The Amalgamator and Riot Grrrl 3.

The Amalgamator, her face heavily obscured by shadow: "Donna, give up your punk-rock ways, and join me. There's catering, and the tour buses don't break down in between Houston and Little Rock. Donna, we can rule this demographic...TOGETHER!"  

Riot Grrrl 3: "NEVER!"

The Amalgamator: "Donna, I am your mother! At least I think I am. It's hard to tell you apart."

Riot Grrrl 3: "You bet you are...my MOTHERFU...!!"

The Amalgamator, cutting her off (see: S&P regulation No. 435 about cursing): "No, search your feelings. You know it to be true."

Riot Grrrl 3: "No. I'd sooner die than be caught dead on the same stage as Trish Murphy!"

The Amalgamator: "So be it...Donna."

Canada Dry emerges from shadows to cut Riot Grrrl in half with her acoustic guitar.

Canada Dry: "Who will save your soul now, bitch?"

Cut to: Int. MTV Studio. Lights are hanging from ceiling, sparks shooting everywhere. The Lilith Fairies are standing over the mutilated corpses of the Riot Grrrls.

Canada Dry: "I am woman, hear me bore."

The Amalgamator: "Thank God that's over."

The Beastie Girls: "What're we gonna do now?"

Breakwind: "How about an encore!!!?" They all laugh.

Jewel: "Hitler loved little blue-eyed boys / And it drove him to hate."

Canada Dry: "Jewel! Someone get this monkey off my back!"

All the women laugh. Freeze the picture. Roll credits.

Voiceover: "Next week: Special guest Tracy Chapman, as Black Lightning, joins the Fairies when they take on Sleater-Kinney!"

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