Invariably, conversations at the Dallas Observer offices drift to topics such as, does Britney Spears need a spanking, and if so, would she accept one? (Answer: Yes, and probably.) Or, those guys from 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys must be gettin' it on more than a lounge singer in the middle of a Marvin Gaye medley, right? (You think they are, um, saving themselves? Not bloody likely.) For our part, we've always been convinced that the public perception of these bands was far different from what they were actually like. After all, they're all old enough to make their own decisions and young enough to make impetuous ones.
For once, we were right--at least in one case. Teen-pop super couple Justin Timberlake (of 'N Sync--duh!) and Britney Spears aren't as chaste as their publicists would have you believe, stressing how important God and family are to them. Sure thing, but that doesn't mean they were born without hormones...and enough money to find a quiet place. We recently intercepted a couple of e-mails--supposedly an exchange between Spears and Timberlake--and while we weren't surprised by what we read, you might be. Or not.
Tonight, I thought of you. I was standing in front of 26,000 people at the Universal Amphitheater, all of them screaming and hollering for me (as well they should be--hah!), and all I could think of was you. It's hard to concentrate with you in my head. I have trouble remembering the words--even though they're all the same, more or less. Duh--and the press thinks I'm SMART! If only they knew how little control I have over my career--much less my own mind (sometimes, I hear an echo). Justin, hit me one more time. Maybe this time, you'll knock some sense into my pretty little head. Ooops, I did it again.
Did you see me on the cover of Rolling Stone a couple of weeks ago? I look hotter and hotter all the time! Teen Beat Off, fer sure! I see your record sold a gabillion copies again this week--but look out, Justin (me--hahaha), because I'm gonna sell a katrillion copies of my new record. By this time next week, I'll have every girl's allowance in my pocket, and I'm gonna spend it all on teddy bears, new boobs, and things that vibrate. I miss you.
Your "virgin" (yeah, right),
I was thinking of you tonight too...or maybe it was that cute blonde girl in the front row. You know I'm only kidding, baby! Don't go tearin' up my heart--haha! You're the only one God spent a little more time on. Well, except for me! By the way, everyone likes my new 'fro. I knew they would. I mean, REALLY.
Seriously, all I could think of tonight was what embarrassing thing I was going to make Lance and AC do in the dressing room after the show. I bet them we could sucker more than half of America's stupid (and ugly too, right?) teenagers into buying the same album we put out the first time. And we did! So, now Lance and AC have to do whatever I say for a whole month! Last night, I made them do a medley of Backstreet Boys songs. Can you imagine? Tonight, I think I'll make them go up to our security guards and pretend to like 98 Degrees. Or maybe LFO. Haha!
And by the way, you can spend the money you get from your "katrillion" (that's not even a word!) records on new boobs, but you don't need to get anything that vibrates. I'll be off tour in a few months. We'll hang out on TRL, then go find a place to "neck." (How OLD is your mom? Like 40? Geez.)
Your "surgeon" (hehe),
Hey, sweetpants--Lance sucks, and AC's a homo! Just kidding! Gosh, you take everything so personally. But that's because I know how sensitive you are. And of COURSE the new do is you--you know I like ALL your curly hair, you silly (backstreet) boy...heeheeheehee. And, by the way, Carson said we could use his pad anytime we wanted to get together to do our "homework." I told him cool, but he kinda creeps me out--he's so OLD! And he mentioned something about "wanting to watch." I asked him what he wanted to watch, like, TV? And he said something in French, like "garage a blah," which is so totally uncool. He knows I can barely understand English. But I am thinking about learning a new language--maybe algebra.
But, baby, don't scare me like that--even though I know you and the rest of your pussy posse like to skank around, I know you'd never cheat on me with some 12-year-old ho! You'd better not, because I might just have to go out and find me some 35-year-old guy that LeAnn dumped and date him if you're not careful. Speaking of which, did you read about LeAnn's lawsuit against her parents? That is so COOL--like that movie with Drew Barrymore we saw that one time on Starz, where she sues her mom and dad for divorce? I would be totally down with that. It's my money. I'm hot.
Spank me baby one more time,
I know what you mean about Carson. He was coming out of Christina's dressing room after she was on TRL a few weeks ago and wanted to know if you and I were into "swapping." At first, I was like, "Uh, what? Like lunches?" I think that scared him off, because then he started the full-court press on that Jessica Simpson skank. "I'm going to wait until marriage"? Yeah, more like, "I'm going to wait until the rest of the Backstreets get back from scoring some rock in Central Park."
Speaking of "rock," we were hanging out backstage a few nights ago, and this total homeless guy came, like, running up, saying he had something to tell us. At first, we had fun watching Frank and Tony from security snap his fingers one at a time. Then, Joey and Chris thought it would be funny if we made him try to do one of our routines. (Actually, they thought it would be funny if Frank and Tony took a leak on them, so we said what the hell. Sorry, Joey was milling around, and I didn't want him knowing I told you. BTW, the girl he's trying to pick up right now can't be more than 11 or 12. Now do you believe me?)
ANYWAY--haha!--the homeless guy said his name was Danny Wood and that he used to be in the New Kids on the Block or something like that. Wasn't that a group from like the '50s or something? Like I would even care.
And you should totally sue your mom. We can get matching bubble-gum-pink Bentleys and be the new Puffy and Jennifer!
I'll hit you two more times!
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