Six Musicians Who Rule Despite Their Music
Not the worst guy ever, despite all those songs.
Do you ever wonder about the positive qualities you may be overlooking in the artists you hate? Probably not. Who has time to dig through the details to find out who's actually pretty cool, but an unfortunate victim of their own terrible art?
Well, my friend, we do. That's why we're the professionals. So while it won't make the following acts sound any better, here's a list of six of critically unpopular artists that you may be able to appreciate just a little more for reasons unrelated to their music.
6. Kid Rock
Musically, it's hard to pin down Kid Rock's precise style. Sometimes he takes the punk rock and mixes it with the hip-hop. Other times, he takes the Southern rock and mixes it with the hip-hop. Regardless of the recipe and much like a 5-year-old bartender, whatever he's mixing is pretty much guaranteed to destroy brain cells.
But let's be real for a minute and talk about the fact that Kid Rock actually rules in a weird way. Believe it or not, there's more to marvel at than the fact that he had a sex tape with some groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed. Or that he punched Tommy Lee.
The first tip-off to the fedora-clad rocker's true decency comes anecdotally from a member of seminal Virginia screamo band Pg. 99, who unknowingly sat next to Kid Rock at a bar prior to his first hit single. After chatting a while, the Detroit native bought him drinks and introduced him to every single person at the bar, ever the ego-free and polite gentleman.
And the evidence continues to pile up in Rock's favor. He's encouraged people to steal his music, along with gasoline and cars. Plus, he maintains a career-long fierce loyalty to Detroit, America's Punchline City, working with fundraising efforts for the city orchestra and doing the unthinkable -- offering reasonably priced tickets in his hometown, coupled with something even more bizarre at an arena rock show: $4 beers.
Placed on the map by her infectious track "Gucci Gucci," Oakland's Kreayshawn almost did a song with the Insane Clown Posse until her verse was obliterated by Danny Brown's take. So yeah, being so bad that you actually get kicked off an ICP song definitely earns you a spot on this list.
Robyn's music isn't the worst thing in the world, but it's a crime when compared to how entertaining she is to watch. Check out this SNL performance where she looks like a Romulan with brain damage at a private rave. If you haven't had enough, violently stare at the video for "Konichiwa Bitches," where the Swedish pop star is a boxer, astronaut, bumblebee, nurse, construction worker, nerd and cat burglar in 30 seconds.
3. Steve Vai
Steve Vai is to instrumental guitar as Criss Angel is to magic -- a flashy innovator of an activity studied exclusively by Applebee's waiters. His dedicated wankery has delighted creatively vacant businessmen as PowerPoint presentation soundtracks for years. all the while torturing the rest of us. While it'd be great to slam the guy through and through, there are some undeniably awesome things about him.
Vai actually got his start with Frank Zappa, which automatically boosts your credibility by about a thousand points. Pair that with having a singer, Devin Townsend, who later went on to create one of the greatest metal albums ever (Strapping Young Lad's City) and you've got to respect the guy on some level.
Oh, and he's a fucking beekeeper. Here's a picture of him holding holding a jar of honey. Totally not urine. Probably.
Finland is home to many brilliant metal and punk bands: Demilich, Convulse, Amorphis, Lama, Appendix, Rattus and absolutely not HIM (His Infernal Majesty). However, the innovators behind "love metal" and the moronic Heartagram emblem make this list for one reason: the members' devotion to Musta Paraati, a fairly unknown post-punk band that was only active for two years. HIM singer Ville Valo even played two of their songs during a 2001 tribute to the band. In American terms, this would probably be the equivalent to Linkin Park covering Suicide. Ville Valo is a big King Diamond fan, which isn't too crazy, and rather commendable for a dude who makes music like this.
1. John Mayer
John Mayer is a tank-top wearing, ukulele playing, koi-fish tattoo having, certifiable asshole. "Oh, but he's such a talented guitar player! Did you know he can harblegarflebuggle duggle in goof-minor?" It doesn't matter how gifted he is on the six string -- his songs are pillowy piles of dump. Whipped feces.
With the same sentiment as those "I'm not A BITCH, I'm THE BITCH," bumper stickers at novelty stores proclaim, John Mayer is THE DOUCHEBAG of the music industry. He's proclaimed that his biggest dream is to write pornography and compared his penis to a white supremacist. Later, he referred to his mouth as the Don King of his penis. I could go on, but there are actually numerous lists (including an excellent Tumblr) out there devoted to cataloging John Mayer's worst quotes.
But actually, his douchebaggery is his most valuable asset. Mayer is living proof that you actually don't have to have any good qualities to be successful. That kind of thing gives hope to us all.
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