There's a joke about "Timber"lake and a woody in here somewhere. We just can't find it.

Although his recent output includes a relatively good acting performance in Alpha Dog and the hilarious "Dick in a Box" spoof on Saturday Night Live (the song itself does not differ significantly from the middling, phony rhythm and blues on his proper releases), former boy-toy Justin Timberlake has as storied a career with the ladies as he does with the pop music charts. Just a casual glance at Justin's trail of dumped damsels offers astounding proof of Timberlake's lack of judgment when it comes to matters of the heart.

Britney Spears: Met her while both of them were in the Mickey Mouse Club and had a decade-long relationship with the hairless, underwear-challenged rehab wonder. Justin must shudder when he thinks about their time together, wondering if it were he who started her chaotic fall from a sexy pop icon to a stumbling, tattooed piece of white trash.

Alyssa Milano: Dated her in 2002 just as his solo career was taking off. Milano probably thought this relationship could add a few years to her declining opportunities. Who's the boss indeed?


Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake performs Monday, March 5, at American Airlines Center.

Cameron Diaz: Met her at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in 2003 and proceeded to heat up the tabloids with their sordid tales of wanton gratification. It's often hard to decide which one of them is prettier, but the edge definitely goes to Justin as Cameron has one of the worst cases of horse face since Barbaro (R.I.P.). She must have gotten angry when Justin introduced her to his orthodontist.

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Scarlett Johansson: Linked to Justin after appearing in his "What Goes Around" video, this significant upgrade in "talent" doesn't confirm or deny their liaison. The other clowns from *NSYNC keep calling just in case Johansson proves to be yet another cosmetic casualty of Justin's insatiable love drive.

Of course, there are the lesser names, poor lasses such as Veronica Finn and Jenna Dewan, pop singers/actresses/models/dancers/semi-professional celebrities of such little renown that it was a wonder they even got their picture taken with Justin. Of course, no list of Timberlake's would be complete without a cursory mention of Janet Jackson. Hell, he basically fondled up on her nasty nipple in front of 140 million people, and the pair together inducted the phrase "wardrobe malfunction" into the pop culture lexicon. His look of disturbed disgust at the sight of Jackson's wilted and pierced pomegranate will forever be remembered as a "highlight" in Justin's continued quest to have each and every one of you take a look in his box.

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