Ten Career Suggestions for Justin Timberlake, Since He's No Longer That Interested In Music
"I'm totally posting this on Myspace later."
The word has gotten around quickly: Justin Timberlake was indeed among the investors that bought a stake in floundering social networking site Myspace this week. According to the press release from Specific Media, Timberlake's partners in this venture, Timberlake himself will "lead the business strategy with his creative ideas and vision for transforming Myspace."
Clearly, starring in the Facebook movie makes him qualified for such things.
The press release goes on to describe the team's hopes to transform Myspace into a more music- and entertainment-related site. Makes sense. Myspace is still a better platform for music promotion than Facebook; despite its obsoleteness as a social network, MySpace is more search-engine friendly than Facebook, and it's easier for artists themselves, many of whom do their own promotions, to do simple things like upload songs to their page.
How the Myspace acquisition will play out in the long run is yet to be seen.
But what we're really wondering right now is, for crying out loud, when is Justin Timberlake going to get back to making music? In a recent interview with Playboy, he admitted that he currently doesn't have a single song ready to go.
Instead, he continues to eschew music in favor of being an actor/director/clothing designer/golf course owner/restaurateur/perpetual Saturday Night Live host (he's gaining on you, Walken!) and, now, social media entrepreneur. Although he's had some success in these fields, his resume is a tad checkered. For every The Social Network there's also a Love Guru.
Thus, an open plea to Justin Timberlake: Dear Justin, you've released two great solo albums since leaving 'NSYNC. Two. That's not many. Although you have producing credits all over tons of stuff, we want to hear more actual albums, please. You're stretching yourself too thin. But if you wish to continue doing stuff that has nothing to do with music, why not add a few more roles to your Wikipedia page?
We've got some suggestions for new hats that Timberlake could try on (and wear tilted, no doubt) that would be so interesting, they might just momentarily divert the collective side-eye that we will continue giving him until he releases another damn album.
1. Oscars host. Pull a James Franco, take a couple bong hits, and get
on that stage! Come on: He can't do worse than Franco, who was
about as appealing as a wet oven mitt.
2. Public-persona performance artist. All Justin would have to do is grow a beard, stop bathing, go on a few talk shows where he scratches himself and mutters about how the aliens are sending lasers into his brain, and have Casey Affleck film the whole thing. Did that Joaquin Phoenix movie make any money? Answer: Probably more than The Love Guru.
3. Britney wrangler. That Jason Trawick guy she's currently seeing is boring. Justin has experience in this field, so we think he should get out the chair and the whip, get back into the cage and start monitoring her Frappuccino intake. Maybe Justin, with his infinite fashion sense, can fix her daily uniform of Uggs and Daisy Dukes. We can only hope.
4. L.A. Dodgers owner. Justin runs a golf course, so why not save a baseball team? We're sick of hearing about the Dodgers' dire straits. If Justin buys the Dodgers, we can go back to pining for basketball in peace, without pesky baseball headlines reminding us that boring sports are lockout-free these days.
5. Architecture. Here in Dallas, we pay people to build funky-looking but not-entirely-useful structures with taxpayer money. Interested?
6. Polyphonic Spree member. Who wouldn't want to be in The Polyphonic Spree? Plus, Justin would look cuter than kittens in a colorful robe. However, this would probably involve making music, which Justin appears to be averse to at this point, so maybe not.
7. Newt Gingrich campaign manager. We hear Newt's hiring! We're not sure about Justin's personal politics, but if he can get the elephant graveyard that is Myspace back up and running, he might have a chance with Newt's floundering campaign.
8. Kardashian. Although most applicants for this position are sports figures, we think Justin would be a welcome change. We're still not sure exactly what they do to be famous, but that's beside the point. Are any of them still unmarried? If so, Justin had better snag one quick -- especially since, due to the NBA and NFL lockouts, applications are undoubtedly pouring in for this highly coveted position.
9. Wedding planner. The gays are flocking to the altar in New York, so this industry is about to see a huge boom. Justin owns a restaurant, a clothing label and a production company, so he's got the clothes, catering and deejays in the bag.
10. Farmer. When celebs feel overwhelmed, they often run off to the country and raise chickens for a while to clear their heads (see: Bob Dylan, Dave Chappelle, Nicole Kidman, etc.). Justin's so busy right now, we think it's only a matter of time before he buys some land (we hear Marfa's trendy right now) and goes off to live the simple life.
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